Done Waiting
by i-digress
Summary: Now complete. Follow up to Waiting. The Mexican stand off is broken but no one’s too happy about it. If Angel’s soul was a curse what is Spike’s? nominated at Vampire's Kiss awards http://www.shadowed-dreams.org/vkawards/
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - no, they're not mine. Yep, they belong to Joss and co. Life's so unfair. Hmmppphh.  
  
A/N - Many thanks and much kudos to Trisha for the beta. Her fine tuning is gratefully accepted. This is a follow up to my fic Waiting BTW. This fic has been nominated - go figure! So go have a look at the pretty site with it's pretty stories (including this one, heh!) -   
  
Done Waiting  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"What the Hell are you doing here? You've got some nerve, bleach boy, coming back after what you did. Time to go away dusty"  
  
Oh shit. Xander. How did this happen? I'd just finished patrol and was heading up the street to the house when I heard him. How could Spike be so stupid? No-one had seen him but me till now. And finally he's spotted by the worst possible Scooby. Gotta stop Xander before Spike's spinning in the breeze. Then I'm so gonna kick Spike's ass. Stupid vampire.  
  
Wait. Isn't this the perfect solution? I haven't taken action before, why take it now? Leave Xander to it and the problem's solved. Only it's not really the answer, I guess. Damn it.  
  
"Xander, don't!"  
  
I'm running down the street like there's a Hell god after me or a giant snake or... you get the picture. And as I get to the front path I see Spike pinned to the tree by a totally pissed Xander. A totally pissed, totally back-in-shape and totally stake totting Xander. Who doesn't look like he wants to listen. The wood in his hand hasn't reached Spike's heart yet, cos Spike's, like, still there. But it's on its way in. There's already a hole in Spike's t-shirt and for a moment it crosses my mind that if I'd given him his duster back the stake wouldn't get through so easily. So not the issue right now. Xander's leaning into Spike, pushing his left hand against Spike's throat as the right one holds the stake. The stake that is still slowly pressing into Spike's chest. Maybe another inch and...pouf! Bye bye Spikey.  
  
"Well look at that, Spikey, your last victim's here to watch the show. What's up Buff, wanna do it yourself? I'll hold him still while you drive the point home?"  
  
Xander doesn't lessen his grip for a second and barely looks at me, so he doesn't see the panicked expression I'm sure is on my face. This cannot be happening! I'm supposed to be making a choice, I know, but not this one. I don't think I ever intended for Spike to get dusted. Bruised and bloody, maybe, but not this.  
  
Xander might not see me but Spike does. There's no fear on his face as he looks at me. His expression is the same as all the other nights since he got back, as if he was leaning against the tree of his own free will, not pinned there by a stake happy vengeance dealer. Seems as though Xander's got more in common with Anya than he thought. No real surprise there. But Spike's looking at me as though I'm the last drink in the desert and his greatest shame all in one. Shame? Spike? Must be my imagination. Or maybe lack of oxygen brought on by running here so fast. But I could swear...  
  
"Buff, you want the honours or what?"  
  
"What?" Get back in the game, Summers. Decide what you wanna do. And decide now.  
  
"Do you want to stake the bastard or do you just wanna watch? I promise, the pleasure would be all mine." Now Xander's looking at me and he must have picked up on my...what? Lack of response? Failure to rush in and take up his offer? The confussion on my face? Who knows.  
  
"C'mon Buff, this is what you want, right?" There's a hint of doubt in his voice, maybe fear that this isn't going to go how he'd expected. Funny how he never picked up on the fact that I haven't said a word about Spike since the Willow incident. How I never swore I'd have my revenge or whatever your suppose to do when you've been 'dishonoured'. Xander actually called it that during one of his rants. I think he was channelling Giles. Which is weird 'cos when Giles found out he seemed to be channelling Spike. It's true. Something like 'I'll tear that bloody bastard's knob off and feed it to him. Right before I rip his head off'. Though he did look a bit embarrassed when he calmed down. The poor guy didn't even have polishing his glasses to hide behind cos he'd been wearing contacts. Contacts! No way that's a good thing with all the dust on his beloved books. Must be a woman.  
  
"Buffy!" Oh yeh, right. Spike save-age. For a moment I can't remember why. Uhh, got it. Don't want him dead. Or deader, I guess.  
  
"Xander, put the stake down. This isn't gonna happen."  
  
"No way, Buff. This ends here. No way is dead boy junior walking away again. Not after what he did to you and Anya. Never gonna happen."  
  
Somehow Xander's actually managed to lift Spike off the ground. I keep forgetting that he's taller and bigger than Spike. I've never thought of Xander as dangerous till now. Well meaning and good back up (when he's not being knocked out), even angry. God, I've seen enough angry Xander these last few months to last a life time. But no, never dangerous, not Xander. Cos now he is. His eyes are so cold and there's no sign of a tremor in his hands. He's not angry now, just determined. And deadly. Is this what I'd see if I looked in the mirror when I'm ready to get dusting? Spike always said I was beautiful when going in for the kill, that my eyes danced and were full of fire, so I guess not. Cos Xander's eyes are dead.  
  
As dead as Spike's gonna be if I don't do something. 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - missed this last time so. Many thanks and much kudos to Trisha for the beta. Her fine tuning is gratefully accepted.  
  
Done Waiting - chapter 2  
  
  
  
I'm still giving real thought to just letting this happen. No Spike, no problem. But that's always been true and wasn't a good enough reason in the past. And in the past I couldn't blame myself for any of this. Oh my God, I've made myself responsible for Spike! No. No no no no no. Crap.  
  
"Xander, don't do this. Please." I reach out to them as I edge closer. It's like I'm trying to get near an animal, a horse or something that'd be easily spooked. Right now I'm the one who's spooked. Talk about a serious case of the wiggins.  
  
"Buffy, unless your moving in for a closer look at the big event I'd stay where you are. I don't want this to happen too fast and you're giving me an itchy trigger finger." He glances at me and I can't figure out why Spike doesn't move. He's usually so quick to pick up on an enemy's distraction. Exhibit A - the High School. Exhibit B - the Gem of Amarra. So I don't get it. Wait up, I don't get how Xander got him pinned at all. Okay, chip. Can't fight back. But he's so much quicker than Xander. And can you say years of experience. Oh yeh, Spike's got a lot of experience. The things he knows.  
  
Dammit, bad brain. So not the time. And where did that come from? Nothing about Spike is good or to be remembered. Or to be missed. Which really brings me back to why I give a damn. It's like that song Mom used to like. Windmills of Your Mind. Apparently it's about chess or something. Can't see why. Unless it's cos chess is kinda confusing. It's meant to be about battles so I should be great at it. So not true. Giles tried to teach me once. Wanted to 'improve your strategic and tactical abilities'. He gave up when I kept calling the knight 'horsey'. Sometimes he's got no sense of humour. Jeez, so I'm not the brain on the team but I'm not that dumb! Aargh! Spike, must think about Spike. In a not-naked kinda way. Cos I don't want to see him naked. Uh huh. And I don't want to see him dusty. Gotta get with the programme.  
  
Xnader's started dragging the stake down Spike's chest. Spike's t-shirt is ripping and I can see blood but Spike doesn't even flinch. This is not my Xander. This is just cruel. He said he wanted to take it slow but.  
  
AND WHY THE HELL IS SPIKE LETTING HIM DO THIS!!!!!  
  
Spike's got his eyes fixed on me. His face is calm, like it's all fine. Like this is what he wants. Like he's waiting. Oh God, that's it. He's waiting still. For me to do something. But what?  
  
"Why are you doing that, Xander? If you wanna dust him, why haven't you? Maybe it's not really what you want."  
  
"Nice try, Buffy, but why do you care? Spike's evil, rotten, sick, twisted. He's filth." The stake's started following a path across the waistband of Spike's jeans. " You know what I heard once? That all rapists should be castrated. What do you think? Add that to the chip and, hey, impotent Spike. Totally. But I'm forgetting. We're talking about what used to be your favourite body part, aint that so? But not anymore, right? Doesn't matter, does it? Tell me it doesn't matter."  
  
This is. this is just sick. Doesn't matter what I say, Xander won't hear me. And I need him to hear me. Not just cos of Spike but because. I want Xander back. This isn't him. This is someone colder, harder, broken. Christ, are we all broken? And why does it feel like it's my fault?  
  
"Please Xander. Don't do this. It isn't you."  
  
"Still hung up on Spike's prowess, Buffy. Thought you'd be over that. Cos I can't see the appeal. Still wanna bump uglies with the undead, is that it?" Xander's grip on Spike is still strong but at least that damn stake has stopped moving. Their eyes. God their eyes scare me - Xander's so cold and Spike's so calm. And none of this seems real. And I want to run away. So fast they could never keep up. So far they could never find me. Is there anyplace where this stops being real? Maybe if I died again. Cos Dawn said they got on while I was dead. Not friends, no, but not this consuming hatred that's infected Xander. How can this get better? It's kinda like Willow all over again. I couldn't reach her either. Xander could, but I don't have any stories about being kids with him. What can I say to remind him?  
  
"Xander, I love you. And this isn't you. Come back, please. Put Spike and the stake down. Beat the crap out of him if you have to but don't let it end like this. I can't find peace if you end it like this. I'm tired. Aren't you tired?" Maybe.maybe I've reached him cos he drops his head. I suddenly need to hold Xander, tell him it's okay. So what if it's a lie? All summer we've been running around saying how great we are, how cool we are cos we went through Hell and survived. All it took was one thing to show me that we were fooling ourselves. Spike. The joker in the mix. Always the start of trouble, always the revealer of the truth.  
  
So I move towards Xander but his head flies up and his eyes pin me again.  
  
But it's not the same cos he's back. Oh God he's back. He looks like he's gonna cry. And it's weird cos he's got the same look on his face that Spike had when I said goodbye and called him 'William'. What is it with the men in my life and their constant disappointment and despair cos of me? What is it with me?  
  
"Buffy, why? I don't get it. I never got it. Not Angel. Not Spike. Not this. Did I do something so bad that you chose them over me? You love me but I don't matter. Not like them. Why do they always mean more? To everyone?"  
  
What the Hell.. ?  
  
"I don't understand Xander, but I want to. Please, come inside and explain. And I'll answer any questions. I promise. I'm not gonna hide anything. I'll do anything you want"  
  
"For him! It's just so I'll let him go" And Xander pushes Spike further up the tree by his throat. Spike's now a good two feet off the ground. Still not reacting. Still just waiting.  
  
"No! For you. Xander, you can tie him up and dump in the basement. Strap him to the tree. Whatever. Whatever you have to do to come with me. There are chains in the house, right? I can get them. Just promise you'll wait for me. Will you do that?" I start towards the house, not taking my eyes off either of them. I'm walking slowly cos I don't think we're out of the woods yet. Xander could still. torture, maim, kill. He hasn't spoken yet, hasn't agreed to talk.  
  
"Okay. But hurry. Dead boy here might open his mouth and change my mind. Cos one word, one word and he's history. You got that Spike? I still want you gone."  
  
Gotta hurry. Spike might be playing dumb but he never knew when to keep his mouth shut before. And I can't see that changing. Even though nothing else he's done seems. normal. Well, normal for Spike. There's still a set of chains in the basement. After the reality-skipping, make-Buffy-go- psycho demon was about they seemed like a good investment. Tara. oh god Tara, I wish you were here. Tara did something witchy to them so they couldn't be broken. Just gotta get them upstairs, chain up Spike - and try not to think how much he liked chains now and then - and sort out Xander. Then sort out Spike. And, hey, maybe I'll get to sort out me. Cos that would be kinda neat. Like it's ever gonna happen. And all before Dawn gets home from helping Anya and Willow finally decides she wants to know what the noise is about. I guess I should be grateful that she's lost her curiosity but it makes her seem. dead. Sometimes we all seem dead. Just no-one remembered to lay us down and bury us. Tara took too much of us with her. And a little bit more went with Spike. Maybe that's it. I need to get back what Spike took with him.  
  
The chains are all tangled up under the basement stairs. How come I had them neatly coiled on the floor and now they're all over the place? Are they related to fairy lights? Cos that's what it's like - trying to untangle the lights for the Christmas tree, the ones that last New Years were carefully wound and put away and now look like they've been having some kinda game of Twister. Okay, so the chains are heavier and noisier and I don't have to find the dead bulb. But it's sorta the same.  
  
I give up on the knots and kinks and just drag the damn things behind me as I race up the stairs and through the house. Oops, there goes the hallway table. Never liked it anyway, only good for dumping stakes on at the end of patrol. But I really don't want to have to re-buff the floor. Huh. Buffing Buffy. Buffy the Buffer. Xander would love. Xander doesn't love anything right now.  
  
"Okay, Xander, I've got them. What do you wanna do?"  
  
"Stake him."  
  
"Uh huh. Apart from that. Leave him here? Take him inside? It's your call. I'm easy." I think I just said the wrong thing cos now Xander's glaring at me like it's me he wants to stake. What was it? What did I do?  
  
"Oh yeah, Buffy, you're easy alright. Easy on the eyes, easy for any passing vamp, the more evil the better. Did you give it up to Angelus? What about Dracula? Cos they all got a nibble, right? What else did they get?" So that would be it and. hey, is he calling me a tramp? Cos that's just low. I mean.  
  
Great, now we get a response from Spike. I can see his eyes change, glow a little gold. Xander hasn't noticed but he will any second. Move it, Summers, get the vamp chained and the schizo best friend into the house. Anyway you have to.  
  
"Okay, not going there or anywhere till Spike's tied down and it's just you and me. I really don't want to talk about my love life in front of the bleached wonder. He might start thinking he's missed out. Cos you now, the nibbling thing? Not Spike. Not ever. Let's get this done. You in, Xander? Can you do this?" I hand the end of the mass of chain to Xander cos, yey me, I got one end free. And the rest sort of came undone during my dash. He takes the end and catches Spike across the face with it as he drops him and throws the chain over the lowest branch. I flinch but don't say anything. And Spike. well, Spike has gone back to being impassive. Jeez, it's like he's some sort of 'bot. Really don't wanna go there.  
  
Xander's now got Spike strung up from the tree branch with his toes just brushing the ground. That's gotta hurt. And just to make sure, Xander gives the last bit of chain a tug, his lips twitching, almost smiling, as the bonds pull Spike's arms up a little further. Mustn't think about Spike hurting cos, on the plus side, no circulation. Can't think about Xander loving the torture cos I'm getting flashes of Spike post-Glory. Mustn't think about anything. Just gotta get in the house, lay myself open and try to get through to the man who's the nearest thing I've got to a brother. 


	3. Chapter 3

Done Waiting - chapter 3  
  
I'm standing in the doorway, looking back across the garden at Xander. I've gotta get him inside before he does anything I regret. Okay, so too late on that one. Maybe before he does anything else I regret. I'm trying not to think about how disturbed I am to see Spike strung up like a vampire pinata. Xander would be only too happy to hit Spike a few times with a wooden stick. Once would be enough in the right spot but Xander's in the mood to play. Does he realise he's kinda doing what he used to despise Spike for? And that Spike hasn't done anything like that in years? Even to demons. It scares the Hell out of me that the one I should trust is going psycho on me and the one I'm supposed to be wary of needs my protection. And that I want to protect him. Totally freaky.  
  
"Are you coming inside, Xander? I kinda want to sit down after patrol and I'm gonna raid the fridge. Wanna join me? Come on. Spike's not going anywhere."  
  
I watch with a sick feeling in my stomach as Xander uses a roundhouse punch to get Spike spinning in his chains. There's nothing you can do, Buffy. You've gotta ride this one out and stop it coming to a sticky - or dusty - end. My instincts are yelling at me to let Spike lose. Have I mentioned how much this gives me the wiggins? But I know that any sign of sympathy or support for Spike on my part is gonna send Xander over the edge. All I've got to figure out now is how Xander reached the edge at all. Am I being really dumb here, cos I swear all was rosy in the Scooby garden till tonight. How could things have got so bad so fast? It's not even an hour since I was slaying a fledgling in Spike's old cemetery. And reminding myself that I didn't miss him. And I didn't want to check out his crypt. And I didn't need to anyway cos he'd be waiting when I got home. Only an hour since I had to put a check on the warm feeling I got from knowing Spike would be here. Cos there is no room in my bright and shiny, newly- appreciated life for an evil, undead, soulless, bloodsucking fiend. Even if he is hot as hell and cooler than Ben and Jerry's.  
  
And currently swinging in the breeze on my front lawn. Thank God the neighbours stopped asking questions years ago. Sometime around the zombie incident. Mrs Hewlett two doors down never got over her Jimmy coming to visit - four months after she'd buried him.  
  
Xander brushes past me on his way through the door and I can't help pulling back. Bad move on my part. Cos' he feels me flinch away and turns on me with disgust in his eyes.  
  
"That's right, Buffy. Evil undead can fuck you six ways from Sunday but the Xan man mustn't touch. What would you do if it had been me that night, huh? Cos I'm not seeing any get-your-own-back where Spike's concerned. He can rape you and you get all protecty. All I've ever done is backed you up and you can't bear me near you. Maybe I should try pinning you down. How about that?" The words are hard but he stays back, doesn't even raise a hand towards me.  
  
Sometimes I think he forgets how much we've gone through.  
  
"Well, Xander, if I remember it right I forgave you."  
  
A look of horror crosses his face - kinda like the look on Spike's face when I kicked him off me in the bathroom - and like Spike, Xander backs into the wall. Only the steps are behind him and he falls on his ass.  
  
"Huh? I mean.. what, what are you saying?"  
  
"Don't you remember Xander? You went all hyena boy on me and - how did you put it? - oh yeh, pinned me down. Funny, didn't think you'd forget that. But, of course, you did, didn't you? The spell made you forget. Just like the spell made you do it. Isn't that right?" I hadn't realised I was still angry about that. Cos it's been like, what, five years? And it's never been mentioned. Forgiven and forgotten. At least I thought so. Guess I was wrong cos right now I want to beat up Xander far more than I want to beat up Spike. And who knew that could ever happen?  
  
"I, I. I don't know what you're talking about. I've never hurt you. I wouldn't. Jeez, Buffy, you're the Slayer. I couldn't get near you if you didn't let me. You know that". All the disgust and anger have slipped from his face and been replaced with panic. Why the Hell can't he stop lying. Did he really think I didn't know the whole story? Giles may like, even love, the Scoobies but he's my Watcher and he knew I'd need to know. The same day we got Xander back he told me. The spell brought out the worst in people, the stuff that shouldn't see the light, it didn't make them something they were totally incapable of being. Like hypnosis, he said. You can't make people do what isn't already inside them, however deep it's buried. And the spell didn't include amnesia.  
  
And I get that Xander would never mean to do it, that it was hyena plus teenage hormones plus power rush, yada, yada, yada. Cos I've been there. Kinda. When Spike's chip stopped working on me and he could be the Big Bad again. I felt the power I had over him. He could hurt me but I could hurt him more. And hormones? Christ, I was on heat after every fight. What Xander did to me, what Spike did even, I did every chance I got. Even better, Spike let me. So no guilt. But I felt the rush every time. I thought I'd forgiven Xander for being. overwhelmed. long before I felt it myself. And maybe that's why I've missed Spike, even though I shouldn't.  
  
But Xander's still on the floor, babbling away, pretending not to know what I'm talking about.  
  
"Xander, can it. I know. I've known all along. There was no forgetting. It was you. Not normal you, maybe, but still you."  
  
And he starts to cry. Crap, if he wasn't broken before he sure as hell is now. All the anger drops away, from him and me. I can touch him now cos he's my Xander not the nut job who was playing torture games on my front lawn. So I go to hug him, cos that's what friends do, right?  
  
But as I start towards him he slips away, showing more agility than you'd expect from a sobbing ball of guilt and psychosis. The kind of agility he should use against vamps but never has. Great, what a time to learn stealth tactics! He's pushed himself up the wall. He's not made a run for it yet but I can see he's ready to, so I stop moving. Just hold out my hand. Please, please let him take it. But he looks from my upturned palm to my face with disbelief, shaking his head.  
  
"It's my fault. You and Spike. It's my fault. Cos you forgave me, decided it was alright for us to hurt you as long as we loved you. That's it, isn't it?" Hold on a minute! Where does he get his ideas from? What is this? And, can you say screwy? I've heard some b.s. in my time - mostly from Spike, though Angel and Dawn come close seconds - but this is way beyond anything else.  
  
"Xander, get off the guilt trip. You have nothing, nothing to do with me and Spike. Or me and anyone else. You got it? We're talking very different situations. Do you understand? And where the Hell do you get off thinking one fucked up spell was gonna make me Miss Masochist 2001? Hello! If you're gonna blame my past why not Riley's old favourite - Angel was a vamp and that means I want, wanted, Spike as a replacement. Or Willow's - I was lonely and Spike took advantage. Or Dawn's - he loved me and true love always wins? Get over yourself already." I walk past him into the front room, making sure I don't get too close and spook him again. I sit on the sofa and look back at Xander still pressed against the wall.  
  
"Please, just come and sit down. Talk to me. Don't jump to conclusions or throw accusations, against me, yourself or anyone else."  
  
He drops his head into his hands and hunches his shoulders. I think he's gonna start crying again. If he does I don't know what I'll do. In my own head one voice is saying 'hold him, protect him, love him', the same voice that was scared for Spike. Another is saying 'if you hit him he might shut up'. And that's the voice I'm used to where Spike's concerned. It only talks about Xander on special occasions. And today's no one's birthday. And no one's died. Yet. So it can't be that.  
  
But it's okay, kinda, cos after taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh that would do Angel proud, Xander comes towards me. On the plus side he sits on the sofa, on the minus it's as far from me as he can get without falling off. I reach out my hand again and this time he takes it.  
  
"I should have said sorry years ago but maybe better late than never. Buffy, I'm sorry. I was a hyena, well kinda, but I was also sex obsessed teenage Xander. I always hoped you'd never find out about the Xander part. You know I never wanted you like that, right? I mean sex, yeah, but not. not hurting you. You know that, don't you" Yep, he's totally back. I can see it in his eyes. Now to keep him here.  
  
"I do know, I always did. And it doesn't matter anymore. But we're not here to talk about that. What happened out there? Staking Spike, yeh, I get that. Used to be my favourite game. Will I, won't I, tonight or tomorrow. It's kinda fun, if you like that sort of thing. But what you were doing was way beyond that. And. you were getting off on it. You scared me and you've never done that before." I watch as too many expressions to count cross his face. Sometimes I forget that Xander thinks and feels more than he lets on. Hey, won't forget again in a hurry.  
  
He scoots a bit closer, taking my hand in both of his.  
  
"What I said about it being my fault, you and Spike, I know that's not it. But Buff, I don't know what is. And I hate what he did to you but not as much as I hate that you let him.. get close. Or that it wasn't just you. Cos I came in second again, you know?"  
  
"I don't understand." Understatement of the year. "What do you mean, you came second?"  
  
Xander's look down at our joined hands, to where he's stroking the back of my fingers, almost shyly.  
  
"It wasn't just you. Or him. It's about how it's always been. First Angel gets you, then Riley but never me. But I got over that. I got Anya. And I loved her, love her still, even though I screwed up. But I lost Anya. And who gets to pick up the pieces? Spike. And he got you too. Christ, even Dawn likes him more than she likes me. Cos I was kinda proud of that, the whole teenage crush thing. That she thought I was cool. Not many people have thought I was cool. So what? Xander gets a sparkly set of green eyes. Do they suit me? You don't have to answer that. I might've got past all that - hey, miracles happen and we are on the Hellmouth - but he hurt you. And I wanted. I wanted to win this one. Can you get that?"  
  
Oh, I get it. I guess part of me already did cos none of this is being all big and revalationy. No eurekas in sight. And I remember how I felt seeing Spike and Anya on the table. I could've gone a round of 'Kick the Spike' right then. But I didn't have a good enough excuse. I used not to need one but.. I'd already done enough beating on Spike by then to last a lifetime. Or two. Oh crap, why is it never simple?  
  
"Yeh, Xander, I get it. But what you did was beyond a little pay back. Were you really that pissed at Spike or was there more. Cos you weren't so easy on me, either."  
  
He drops my hand and puts both of his to his head again. What is that, anyway? Like he can't look at me. Or he's hiding. Like a kid playing peek-a-boo. Dawn could keep that going for hours when she was little. Until I'd start tickling her and then her hands would be busy trying to push mine away. But there's nothing childish in Xander's gesture. It's too old, too tired. God, we're only just into our twenties and we're all so old already. Spike, with his hundred plus years, seems younger than us sometimes. When Xander starts to speak again his voice is muffled, caught in his fingers.  
  
"I was angry with you. I've never been that angry with you before. You were.. defending him. After all he's done. You took his side. It hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. That's all. What I said.. it wasn't all about you. Cos some of it.. I wanted to say to Anya. But I'm not allowed to. Cos I'm in the wrong. You know? And she won't listen to how sorry I am, so she sure as Hell won't let me be angry at her. And I still don't understand it. Why you went with Spike, why you lied, how you can forgive him now. Or why I let go of Anya and then she went with Spike. Cos none of it makes sense. Have you noticed how nothing seems to make sense? And Willow's not really here anymore and Tara totally isn't. One of 'em could've explained, don't you think? But it just stopped making sense. I think it happened when you died."  
  
It all goes back to when I died. I could explain that it stopped making sense to me long before that but it's not the time. Maybe he's right, that Willow or Tara could've explained. I know I sure can't. But Willow hasn't been Willow for a while now. Like I died and old Willow went with me. Then Tara died and took most of what was left. And we all got lost. I thought I found my way back this summer but I guess I was wrong. Cos these days I don't care enough or I care too much, there's no balance. And Xander.. he's even more lost than me.  
  
"I don't know, Xan, I haven't got any answers. I don't even know where to look for them. I don't think we get to understand. We just have to accept. Or we go kinda nuts."  
  
"But don't you hate Spike now, for what he did to you and what he did with Anya? How come he strolls back into town and the first thing you do is protect him?"  
  
Good question. Wish I had an answer.  
  
"It's not the first time I've seen him. He's been back a while now. I haven't talked to him. I can't. I don't know what to say or do. I've got to figure that one out. I need time to figure it out, Xander. Can you give me that?"  
  
Okay, I guess not, cos he's heading out the door, pulling it to behind him. And somehow I can't get the damn thing open, cos my fingers are fumbling with the lock. Oh screw the call out fee for the locksmith. I'll just break it and worry about it later.  
  
"Xander, please don't. Whatever you're gonna do, don't." And I pray to whatever that he can hear me through the door, that he'll listen. But I'm through now and I can see that it doesn't matter what's been said. He's got a firm hold on Spike and a stake ready to swing. Even with Slayer speed I can't get to him before Spike is dust. And I'm almost too tired to try.  
  
"Buffy, it's the only way to finish it. He's back to being stalker guy and you don't know when he'll come after you again. I won't play with him anymore. I'll make it quick. For you. But it's the only way."  
  
I'm frozen as I watch the stake carve an arc through the air and I close my eyes. I don't want to see this.  
  
Then I hear a gasp from Xander and look up. Anya's there in demon face, holding Xander's wrist just short of Spike's chest. What the.. ? She looks Xander right in the eye as she speaks.  
  
"You cannot hurt Spike. It's not allowed. He's one of ours now." 


	4. Chapter 4

Done Waiting - chapter 4  
  
Yet again I'm stuck at the top of the steps watching the events on my front lawn. Why can't I move? I'd blame Willow but she's not here. And magic's a no-no for her. I hope. If I never see Willow turn a spell again I'll be happy. I don't know what's worse - the psycho-like glee on her face or the freaky eyes. Cos last time we both ended up with black eyes and I'm not sure they've healed yet. For either of us. Oooh Buffy, Giles would be proud! You're having deep thoughts. Hey, anything's better than thinking about what's in front of me. Cos I still haven't moved and neither have they. Okay, so no magic, just too many things to deal with.  
  
"An.. Anya... what are you doing here? Where have you been? I.. I.. called. Yesterday. And the day before.. How are you?" Xander's babbling. I think he hasn't noticed that Anya's in demon face or that she's got a bruising grip on his wrist. Then I realise I'm so wrong on both counts. Cos his stake-free hand has started to hover over Anya's hand like he wants to touch her. And he keeps looking away as if he can't bear to see her being non-human. And I thought I had issues! Funny thing is he's still got a firm hold on the stake and I know if Anya lets go of then Spike doesn't stand a hope in Hell. Not that he ever did but you know what I mean, right?  
  
And why am I still not moving!!??! Dammit, Summers, get a grip.  
  
There's a weird feeling in my stomach and a thought nagging in the back of my head; stay away from what's mine. Ah crap. I'm jealous of Anya cos she gets to save Spike when I can't. That is so wrong. In so many ways. Spike is BAD. Anya is.. whatever Anya is. She's welcome to him. They belong together. I mean it.  
  
"Umm, pet? Thanks for the save an' all but any chance of letting me down?"  
  
It's like being shot. I know this cos I've been.. well, shot before. The shock of his voice, quiet as it is, goes straight up my spine. Now I'm moving. Okay, falling. And the next thing I know I'm sprawled at the bottom of the steps, feeling three pairs of amazed eyes looking at me. Me? Embarrassed? No way. Just gonna lie here and wait for the ground to swallow me.  
  
"Xander, stop being stupid and help Buffy. She seems to have lost the use of her legs." I look up at the sound of Anya's voice and see she's gone back to human face. And that she's let go of Xander's wrist. He's just standing there, looking baffled. Jeez, you'da thought the least he could do is give me a hand up. Cos I've saved his life God knows how many times. But no, he keeps looking from Anya to Spike to me. And his stake holding hand is just kinda.. Hovering in space. Let's hope Spike goes back to no- talky mode cos his voice is the only trigger Xander needs right now. Than Anya would.. what would Anya do? And why does she care anyway? Okay, this I need to know. So time to get up. Lose the red face and find out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!!!!!!!  
  
"Xander, are you deaf? Go and help Buffy. After all, it's always about Buffy. So go help. Be useful. You are not being useful here."  
  
So finally, my 'friend' stops trying to kill my..no, not my anything.Spike. Or get his ex-demon lover - or is that ex-lover demon? - to notice him, drops the damn stake and comes over. Too late. Cos I'm up. And oh yeh, am I ready! And able. It's all good. Trust me.  
  
"Buff, you okay? You really took a -"  
  
"I'm fine. Everything's fine. Got a psycho best friend, a vengeance demon and a..a..an incapacitated vampire on my front lawn, fighting it out for all the world to see. But I'm just peachy." Xander's mouth is hanging open. Like no-one ever cut him off in mid-sentence before. God, show me someone who hasn't. I've got the urge to hit him. It's a pretty familiar feeling tonight. And it's not like I've got to worry about Spike anymore. Cos he's got big demon Anya looking out for him. Bitch. Okay, I really need to get a hold on that. Cos I don't care. Really. She can have him, right here, right now. In the chains or out of them. It's fine As long as I don't have to watch. Again.  
  
"Now that you are up, Buffy, you should get Spike down. He looks very silly hanging there. What were you thinking? Vampires do not make good lawn ornaments. Most people choose gnomes; I always thought it was impractical as they do terrible damage when they start digging earthworks. But that's humans for you. What can you expect from a race that thinks bunnies are cute and cuddly? Why are you staring at me?"  
  
And yet again I'm stunned by the force that is Anya. That woman.. demon.. whatever!. is a whirlwind on legs. But, dammit, she's right. I don't want Spike as a permanent fixture of my garden. Okay, so he already was. Only he could move, he could leave. He did leave. And I really don't want to think about that now. Or about him coming back. Just want him down. Cos right now he looks like a pervert's Christmas fairy. I guess it's the chains. Does he still like chains?  
  
For a moment there I was somewhere else. Somewhere.. better? I called it sick, degrading, but. it was warm too. Funny how this summer's been so cold. And how the temperature always rises 'round Spike. Even though he's cool to the touch. Now I don't know if I'm moving towards him cos of Anya or because.. because of him. And I hate it.  
  
"Buff. Buffy, are you -" Xander's caught hold of my arm but stops talking when I look at him. I wonder what he sees? Cos his hand falls away. His head drops. His shoulders sag. He's just lost and I don't even know what the fight was.  
  
"C'mon, Xander, time to unwrap your present. Don't think Anya's gonna let you play with it though." His head comes back up, and for a moment, I think he might laugh. But it's gone and he takes my hand as we walk to the tree.  
  
"Whatever you want, Buff. Whatever you want." And I know he won't be going after Spike again.  
  
Anya watches as we approach. Watches as Xander releases the chain from the tree. Watches as I catch Spike's weight before he crumples to the ground. Watches as we take the chains off Spike's body then back away.  
  
"Are you broken, Spike? If you are I can punish Xander. Would you like me to make him run through Sunnydale naked singing 'I Like the Flowers'? Ooh! And I could have clowns chasing him. I would find it very enjoyable and it is allowed if you wish it as vengeance for your current situation and his obsession with the woman you love. Or I could eviscerate him. But that would be too quick. It would also lack the humiliation factor that would make vengeance so satisfying."  
  
Spike's standing in front of me, easing out the muscles in his arms and back. The corner of his mouth twitches like he's gonna smile and I don't know if it's cos of Anya's words or me. Cos he's caught me looking. As he stretched I saw a flash of alabaster skin and I couldn't help staring. It's so not fair that I can remember what it feels like to touch him, to be pressed against that cool flesh. I looked away and saw that hint of a smirk on his face. But as his t-shirt rides a little higher and my mouth starts to go dry - and, god, is it me or is it getting hot out here? - my eyes are drawn back. And that's new. Where did the scars come from. And am I gonna get any answers any time soon? Okay, I guess asking the questions would help.  
  
"Anya, there will be no vengeance. Got it? The only thing anyone is getting here is answers."  
  
"Does Buffy deserve answers, Spike? I'm still very keen on seeing Xander naked. Not in a sex way, of course. Buffy cannot stop me doing my job if you choose to make a wish" Anya's gone back to ignoring Xander who's stood next to me. He tried to get her attention after we unchained Spike but he's given up. The tree's moving more than he is now. We're all of us looking at Spike who - thank god - is tucking his t-shirt into his jeans.  
  
"The Slayer gets whatever she wants, pet." And that's all he says. When did he learn to keep his mouth shut? I almost miss the insults, the banter.. the endearments. Cos it's a while since I was just 'the Slayer' to Spike. It feels wrong. I don't know what I thought would happen when we finally.talked or.whatever it was we were supposed to be waiting for. But it sure as Hell wasn't this. Cos, first off, I never figured on an audience. And I never thought he'd go silent on me. He was gonna beg or grovel or get angry. Anything but the silent treatment. But he's given the go ahead so I turn to Anya expecting my answers.  
  
"Why are you protecting Spike? Why is this any of your business?"  
  
"He went to see Rocky." Not the answer I was expecting.  
  
"Spike went to the movies?" I think I'm missing something here. One look at Anya proves it. She huffs and gives me her patented 'humans are stupid' glare.  
  
"Rocky the demon. Vengeance demon, actually. D'Hoffren recruited him in the 20's. He's a friend of mine."  
  
Xander has this jealous glint in his eyes now. I swear they turn green. Like Spike's flashing gold when I piss him off. Well, how they used to anyway. I can see Xander's ready to open mouth and insert foot, so I figure I'd beat him to it.  
  
"There are male vengeance demons? I thought you were all, well, female. Like a harem or something." Yep, that should do it. And it does.  
  
"Harem!!!" Anya's gone back into demon face, all veiny, and have I mentioned how much she reminds me of a map? Like those ones in school, with the mountains and stuff all kinda 3-D? When I'm not freaked I get this urge to see if I can find Denver. But she's still talking, okay, screeching.  
  
"Being a vengeance demon is very respectable. I'm not a.. a slave.. or sex monkey. Oh no, I had orgasm friends, of course, but D'Hoffren?!? He's like my father! Do you get all hot and sweaty with Giles? You people are all the same, demon equals lust-bunny. And the bunny alone is down right offensive. Well, I'll have you know, Miss I-Jump-The-Bones-Of-The-Undead, I had and have far more discrimination as a demon than as a human. When I was human I gave myself to Xander - often and with great energy. No self- respecting demon would do that."  
  
Okay, should've let Xander take that one. He's looking like he's been slapped. Repeatedly. And I'm kinda reeling too. Sex with Giles? Eeewww!!! If I didn't know about mom, and maybe Ms Calender - oh, and Olivia - then I'd have to say that Giles equals padlocked fly. He just doesn't do that. With anybody. And me? Too gross. Oh God, mental image. Giles getting naked. Quick, brain, change channels. Better but still bad. Now I've got Spike in glorious Technicolor. I really am Miss Jump- The-Bones. Crap.  
  
"Oh that's right, Buffy, insult me and then zone out. I will not be ignored. I have a legitimate grievance and I think you should apologise to me." Anya's standing there, hands on hips, and behind the anger (and the veins) she looks hurt. I guess being a demon again hasn't stopped her being vulnerable. And now I feel bad. Maybe I should change my job title to Ego Slayer or Self-Worth Slayer. Cos I did a great job on Spike. And now this.  
  
"I'm sorry, Anya. Really. I didn't mean harem. Maybe convent.. or.. or.. sorority! Yeh, cos, you know, I though it was a sisterhood kinda thing."  
  
I've now got all three of them looking at me like I'm a moron. So it's not my best ever save. Words aren't my thing. Give me a co-ed running from a vamp and I'm all there with the savage. But, Jeez, guys! Who ever comes to me for the tact stuff? That got left to Giles. Or Willow. And later, Tara. As none of those guys can be here this evening to join the party you'll just have to make do. I'm doing my best, okay?  
  
"Anya, luv, she didn't mean any harm. She's just being Buffy. Lets get this show on the road, cos I don't fancy being out here when the sun comes up and I don't think I'm welcome in the Summers(') home. Cut her a break, pet. For me." Oh great, now Spike's the great protector of all things Buffy! That just sucks. I so do not want to feel guilty or like I owe him. Even if I already did. Isn't he supposed to be the bad guy here?  
  
"Buffy, I forgive you. You cannot help being ignorant and uneducated. I know that Giles tried but research and understanding the rules of the demon world are not your forte. I will forget that you were so horribly rude to me. I will not need to bring it up again."  
  
Like I believe that! And how come I apologise and then I get insulted?  
  
I'm ready to take my 'sorry' right back and give her a piece of my mind, even though she doesn't think I've got any to spare. But as I look up and start to open my mouth Spike gives a little shake of his head. And it bugs me that he knows what I was gonna do. Bugs me even more that he's right. This could go on forever and Anya's about to tell me a bedtime story.  
  
"You were telling her about Rocky. D'you wanna continue, luv, cos I'm not really up to telling the tale right now. Feeling a bit tired, to tell the truth. And you know all the ins and out that I didn't pick up on. So it's best if you play narrator. That okay by you?"  
  
I'm trying to get over Spike being all diplomacy guy. And fight down the wave of envy at him calling Anya 'luv'. Especially when I've gone back to being 'Slayer'. I did say that sucks, right? But I need to listen to Anya and her tale of the action demon. Rocky. What a dumb name for a demon.  
  
"Alright, Spike, your wish is my command. That's my favourite vengeance demon joke. Oh, but of course, you people can't laugh at demon jokes, can you?" Spike coughs. "Sorry. I'll tell them. As I said, Rocky is another vengeance demon. He lives in Africa. He used to live here but he likes his peace and quite, hates being stared at, so he moved. I'm not really sure how Spike found him but that doesn't matter. Spike went to him for vengeance."  
  
"So it's not enough to attack me in my own home? You had to go get a wish too? What, was I supposed to become a vamp? Or were you gonna get the chip out and come back to kill all my friends? Or has it already happened? Is that it? You're back to watch your wish come true? Oh God, I've got it. That's why I'm feeling all protecty and big on the Spike missage, isn't it? You wished that I'd fall in love with you!" Okay, and we're back to people looking at me strangely.  
  
Spike looks completely dumbstruck. Xander's searching the ground for something and I think it's his dropped stake. And Anya. Well, she's just giving me the 'dumb human' look again.  
  
"I realise that arrogance is a vital part of the Slayer's make up, but I am constantly amazed at how much you seem to believe the world revolves around you, Buffy. Spike did not ask for vengeance on you. He's a rather unusual case. He asked for vengeance on himself." 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
"Whoa! You are one twisted puppy." And Xander is back in the game. Just gotta hope he's only after a talking part. Don't think I can take anymore of Action Xan Man tonight. "You could'a taken a walk in the sun, fallen on a stake. Hey, you could'a come to me - I would've been happy to help. But no, that's too honest for you. You have to go to the Wacko World of Wish- granters. Man, that's warped, even for you. Oh. Oh! Are you gonna get gutted? Can I watch?"  
  
I get a glimpse of the old Spike 'cos he's looking at Xander with total contempt. I don't know who to side with on this one 'cos, hey, going to a vengeance demon? Not of the good. But wanting to watch the vengeance doesn't sound like ideal mental health either. I'm siding with Xander on the 'what was the vengeance' question, though.  
  
And I'm getting that tense feeling again 'cos Anya has just stepped in between Xander and Spike. Okay, so I didn't rush to fill the role of Spike defender but. There's no need. Spike's loose and can get away from Xander if he needs to. Even if he didn't before. And, anyway, Xander's not being all threateny. Not really. And. and.. I was distracted! I was thinking about the vengeance thingy. I'd have snapped out of it if anything happened. So I would've done the defending thing if it was needed. Which it wasn't. Anya's being over-protective. Which is fine.  
  
"Don't look at me like that, Buffy. I do not like being glared at. Your precious Xander is quite safe, but I will not let him hurt Spike. And you are very lucky that Spike is not vindictive. Xander could very easily be displaying his genitalia to all your neighbours right now.." Spike's looking at me with that tilt to his head that in no way makes him cute and curious. And his eyes aren't at all warm or loving. And he doesn't know what I'm thinking. He'd just better not smile at me, that's all I'm saying.  
  
"Don't mind Buffy, pet. She just doesn't want any more drama on her front lawn. Let's get the storytelling done with, shall we?"  
  
"You are too forgiving Spike. But I expect that's an unfortunate side effect of having a soul."  
  
Why is the ground spinning?  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
"Buffy? Buffy, luv? C'mon pet, wake up"  
  
Ummm, Spike hands. Stroking my face and hair. Hands cool and voice warm 'cos he loves me. It's so nice to be.  
  
Crap. It's not a dream.  
  
"C'mon luv, open your eyes. Let me see you're okay. Can't have the Slayer falling asleep on the job. Dangerous vampire here. Might need staking. Can't let Xander do it all. Not his calling. C'mon pet, let me see those beautiful eyes of yours."  
  
I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to be awake. I like being asleep. I have lovely, warm dreams where everything is safe and happy. Where I share my bed, my life with Dream Spike and no-one gets angry. And we're all happy, happy, happy all the time. When I'm awake. nothing fits so well. If I open my eyes he'll be there, watching me with his bright, all-seeing eyes. Bastard. And no way can I have a life with Real Spike. Cos he's bad. Bad, bad, bad. And Evil. And when did I become a six year old?  
  
"Get away from her, bleach boy. She doesn't want you touching her."  
  
"Xander, you are being very unhelpful and most unreasonable. Spike is not going to hurt her. And much as I would like to wreak my wrath on you I am not allowed. Unless you carry on threatening Spike. Then I can hurt you. A lot."  
  
Yet another reason for playing dead. Don't have to watch the repeats of Xander and Anya's Laugh In. Aaarrrrgggghhhh! This is so unfair. Guess I'll just have to give in and get up. Try not to get into another stare out with Spike. Cos he is bad and evil. Got to remember that. He's an evil, undead, soulless. Oh my God! Spike's got a soul!  
  
Xander's shouting at Spike. Anya's shouting at Xander. Spike's looking at me like I just kicked him in the balls. And I'm on the other side of the tree. Hiding. Yay Slayer speed. I haven't moved that fast since. well, earlier this evening when the whole mess started.  
  
"What did you do to her? What the fuck did you do to Buffy? Oh man, you are so dead. Did you feel her up, is that it? Catch a grope while she was out of it? What did you do!?!? Owwwwwww!!!" Anya's grabbed Xander by the hair as he lunged at Spike. I don't think I ever realised how handy that girl could be in a chick fight. It's pretty damn effective 'cos Xander's stopped in his tracks and Anya hasn't had to budge an inch.  
  
"I am enjoying this Xander, but I really should stop. If I let go will you behave?"  
  
Xander starts to nod but I guess he thinks better of it. Finally using his brain.  
  
"Yeh, yeh. I'm done. You can let go." Anya looks almost disappointed but her hand drops away. I can see she's ready to pounce again at the least move from Xander. Jeez, why couldn't she be this on the ball before she went back to being a demon? Xander's rubbing his head, looking from me to Spike.  
  
"Are you okay, Buffy? What did Dead Boy Junior do? I hardly saw you move, you went so fast."  
  
Spike's still looking at me with so much hurt on his face. And guilt. I see lots and lots of guilt. It almost makes me want to touch him, tell him it's okay. But, God, it's anything but okay.  
  
"Sorry Slayer. Should've let the Whelp or Demon Bird check you out. Got a bit worried like when you dropped like a stone. Thought you'd had an 'eart attack or something. Didn't mean to scare you."  
  
No, you didn't, did you Spike? Just looking out for me yet again. I'm not sure what to do anymore. What to say. And I can't stop looking at you. Looking for the changes. 'Cos they've gotta be there, right? It's gotta show on your face or in your eyes that you're different now. But all I can see is what was always there. Love. And it's no more use now than it was before. It can't be. So I'm still looking for answers. And there's one question running round my head.  
  
"Should you be calling Anya 'Demon Bird'? I mean, if you've got a soul and all, shouldn't you be worried about hurting her feelings?"  
  
And he's laughing. That's so not fair. It's a good question. He shouldn't laugh at me.  
  
"Why would it hurt my feelings? I am a demon and I am a bird. Although not in the feathered sense. It is an accurate description, expressed with affection and acceptance. I think it's nice. Much nicer than Slayer. Which is also accurate." And Anya puts me in my place yet again. What is with that? And, Jeez Spike, will you stop laughing at me?  
  
Spike - finally - lets the chuckle fest go. Might be 'cos I was glaring at him.  
  
"Sorry lu.Slayer. No offence meant. I guess you've got a point. Just a bit surprised. After all, there must be loads of other questions you want to ask and. well, go ahead. Ask away. I'll give you a straight answer."  
  
Oh yeh, there's a load of other questions. Hundreds. Maybe thousands. And they're all spinning round, making me dizzy. Okay, maybe I'm dizzy 'cos I've kinda been panting since my dash away from Spike. Alright! So I was already a little breathless when I woke up with Spike touching me. I admit it. Never denied it. Just doesn't mean anything. But Spike's still waiting on me, his face all open and honest. The look he used when we were alone. The one that would disappear when I opened my mouth to tell him I was leaving. I don't think I've ever seen it when the others are around. I hate the way it draws me back to a time I want to forget. It gives me the urge to throw a right hook at Spike's nose 'cos that way he'd either fight back, start yelling or at least look pissed. I can handle pissed off Spike. If he'd just been pissed the night he.. left, then I could've stopped it sooner. But then he was just desperate.  
  
And I will not feel sorry for him. I will not forgive him. I won't, dammit.  
  
"I've got a question for you, fangface. Did you think getting a soul would get you back into Buffy's pants?" I'm starting to worry about Xander's obsession with my underwear. Oh, who am I kidding? I've been worried about Xander and his obsessions all night. If not longer. And I can tell Anya isn't too impressed by the way her hand swings back to slap him upside the head. I'm almost sorry when it doesn't connect. I guess she's taking the rules seriously and only going for the physical hurt if Xander does.  
  
The only one who's managing to ignore Xander is Spike. He's just watching me like he can't wait to hear what I'm gonna say next. Like I'm the centre of his universe. This totally sucks. Now I've gotta come up with something super smart and impressive. And I really don't think I've got it in me right now. But here goes.  
  
"Will you lose it if you have a moment of true happiness?" Oh, for crying out loud! I'm getting as bad as Xander. I swear I meant to ask something else. Something not.. nakedness related. Seems to amuse Spike though.  
  
"No, luv, it's not a curse. Well, not like that, anyhow. I can have as many.. moments of happiness as I want. I'd offer to let you test it out but I reckon you wouldn't be too keen."  
  
Oh you don't know how keen... dammit, I said no Naked Spike thoughts! I wonder if anyone would notice if I went inside to take a shower. Nope, don't think I'd get away with that. Just have to settle with the good old 'not if you were the last guy on earth' glare. If he doesn't stop smirking I swear I really am gonna hit him. Oh great, now everyone's looking at me waiting for the next pearl of wisdom. Sorry, guys, this oyster's closed for the holidays. Someone else pick up the slack.  
  
"As Buffy seems to be suffering from some form of mental deficiency, shall I continue the story now? I am getting very bored and I as I cannot relieve the tedium by hitting Xander or mocking his manhood, I would like to finish this and go home." Yeh, that's a great idea. Back to story hour. Oh wait, Xander wants to get his ten cents in. He'd better stop soon or he'll be out of beer money for the next month.  
  
"What do you mean, you can't mock my manhood? You've been doing great so far. Why not keep going?" I get the feeling he's getting kinda pissed at Anya. I can live with that. Hey, it makes a change from me and Spike. Me or Spike. No and. Think he might regret pushing Anya's buttons though - no guilty conscience on her part.  
  
"I would happily continue to mock you but the subject is so small it has left me with nothing more to say."  
  
And score one for the demon.  
  
Xander's back in defeated mode and it's kinda creepy how his hands are hovering over his crotch, like he wants to pet it and tell it everything's fine. Do guys really do that, reassure their.. Parts? Spike looks kinda sympathetic, which is so weird after all that's happened. Chalk it up to the universal brotherhood of male ego's. Thou shall not criticise the sacred trouser snake. Or whatever. Okay, you'd have real problems trying to criticise Spike in that department 'cos he is.. So not going there! C'mon Buffy, other things to think about. And they don't include just what Spike can do with.. Dammit!!  
  
"And as I do not intend to discuss Xander's failings any longer, I will finish Spike's story and go home. As long as I can keep your attention for longer than five seconds, Buffy. I really can not understand how Spike can be so much in love with you when you are so rude." And how come I get to be Anya's personal punching bag? Hey, Xander's in love with her and she's totally rude. Obnoxious. Mouthy. Yada, yada, yada.  
  
"Please continue, Anya. I can't wait to hear how Spike screwed up this time. And you're just the most perfect person to tell me. Carry on."  
  
Spike's still looking strung out and my last comment hasn't helped. Gotta keep a hold on my tongue 'cos I was trying to insult Anya that time, not him. But I guess Spike bashing is kind of a habit. Maybe I should look at breaking it, 'cos I get the feeling it's a bad one. Hell, I know it is. (A)and he's so vulnerable now. I kinda wonder if he always was. But I wanna hear the story so the musings can wait.  
  
"Well, Spike went to see Rocky, as I said."  
  
"Why'd you do that Spike?" Okay, so now I've got questions. Sue me.  
  
"I did wrong, Slayer. Did something I swore I'd never do. Couldn't figure out what to do about it. I didn't know this guy was a vengeance demon, just knew he solved demon problems. Sort of like a cross between the A- Team and Sigmund Freud from what I 'eard. Didn't know what else to do so I thought it was worth a go. You know what I'm like for thinking things through. Wasn't up to thinking then, anyhow. Just wanted it to stop."  
  
"Wanted what to stop?"  
  
"The guilt. The anger. The despair. You name it, I seemed to have a double helping. Didn't seem right. And I couldn't control it. Couldn't control me. Sorry, luv." I watch him talking and it's like each word is a weight 'cos his shoulders just keep sagging. He won't look me in the eyes. Except for a second when he says sorry. And I'm fighting the urge to hug him and tell him it's okay. Reminding myself that it's not okay. Even though I've kinda forgotten why that is.  
  
"Do you have any more questions Buffy, or may I continue? After all, I would hate to interrupt your interruption." Okay, I've had it. My house, my rules. My problem.  
  
Spike nearly jumps out of his skin as I grab his hand and start dragging him towards the house. There's a yelp from Xander as he tries to grab Spike's other hand and gets slapped by Anya. But they both start to follow. I wait till I get to the front door before I turn round.  
  
"Good night. Sweet dreams. See ya. sometime." I wanna laugh at the looks on their faces. But the funnies are stopped cold by Spike trying to pull away.  
  
"Umm, good night Slayer. Guess your tired. Tell you the rest tomorrow." Stupid vampire.  
  
"Not you, Spike. You're coming inside with me and we are so gonna talk this thing out. Xander, don't bother. You've got nothing to say that I want to hear. And Anya, thanks for the help but.. You know what? I can take it from here."  
  
So I push the door open, drag Spike into the hall, nudge him towards the front room and try not to sigh at his look of combined terror and hope. Try not to yell as he avoids touching anything. I think he'd float above the ground if he could. But I can hear the other two behind me, shuffling and hissing at each other as they make for the door. Ditch them then deal with Spike.  
  
"Look, guys, I know you're both worried but tough. Just go. You're really not needed here. Sorry. But I need to talk to Spike. Alone."  
  
And with that I shut the front door and turn to the real problem. 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N - Should've said this last time. Sorry for the delay in updating, life got in the way. Which was very rude of it but what can you do? Also a big thank you to those of you who have been kind enough to review here and at Crumbling Walls. It's very much appreciated and I hope you continue to enjoy this story. Okay, enough from me as me, time to slip on the Buffy persona. Which, of course, doesn't belong to me. It's kinda like borrowing your sister's clothes, or brother's... whatever. Not mine. Enjoy.  
  
  
  
Done Waiting - chapter 6  
  
This is me, my back against the front door and wondering what the Hell I've got myself into. This seemed like such a good idea outside. Hey, no fighting if there's no one there to fight, right? Great theory if me and Spike in the same room wasn't a recipe for World War Three. Kinda got the idea that Spike's not in a fighting mood though. Maybe we'll be okay.  
  
I can still hear Xander and Anya outside. They're busy arguing about who gets to come in and save their respective charge. Like we need it! Like they'd get in anyway. If I'm lucky they'll spend the rest of the night fighting over that and never get as far as attempting to get inside. My money's on Anya. The mood she's in she could take Xander in under a minute. And not in a good way. Eww, mental image of the 'sexcapades' Anya could never shut up about. Really not missing that side of her personality. Guess she's got more to think about these days, with the cursing and all. Even though she's been more defendery than vengancy. In fact, if she'd been defending anyone but Spike I'd probably've been leading the squad in the 'Go Anya' cheer. Whatever.  
  
"Anya, I don't want to argue with you. I'm gonna check on Buffy then... I don't know... Could we talk?"  
  
"You can check on Buffy only if I can check on Spike. Then we can talk about talking. Maybe. I will give it my consideration. You can hold your breath if you like. But first, oh wise one, how do you plan to do the checking?"  
  
"Wanna bet the backdoor's unlocked? Buffy won't have done the rounds yet and it was open earlier."  
  
Crap! Score on for the glorified bricklayer - go away, Spike. Not ready for you yet and I sure don't need you in my head - Xander's right about the backdoor. So time to call on Slayer speed again. Spike yelps as I pass him on my whirlwind way to the kitchen.  
  
"Owwwwww!!!!" Okay, what moron left a chair in the doorway?  
  
No time for that. I can hear the twins of sweetness and light coming round the side of the house and I'm tangled in this... Damn... life-of-it's-own chair!  
  
"You okay Slayer?" Oh yeh, just peachy. Being eaten by an inanimate object but, hey, this is the Hellmouth so no biggy. Gotta get to the damn door. Or...  
  
"Spike, lock the back door. Now. Don't look at me like I've grown horns - oh God, I haven't, have I? Sorry, course not. Right - just lock the door. Xander and Anya are on their way round and if they get in they'll never leave. Which means an even longer night. Or a very short one, depending on if Xander's found his stake and how much more he needs to vent. Capice?" A look of horror crosses Spike's face, then in a move of pure grace - and could I fell any more of a clutz? - he's at the back door, turning the key. Seconds before the handle turns and Xander starts to swear. Okay, just this once, yay Spike!  
  
And I finally manage to get free of the chair. But I'm still sitting on the floor, kinda embarrassed, and even less sure that this is a good idea. I really have no idea what to do. At least outside I had to do something. Okay, so I didn't know what and I was majorly wigged out, but still... now I don't even know where to look. But guess what? Don't need to figure that one out cos' right in my eye-line is Spike's hand, held out to help me up. I can't resist taking a quick peek at his face as I mutter thanks and accept the offer. There really should be something different about him. But I guess there is 'cos he seems to be having trouble looking at me too.  
  
Now we're stood there, hand in hand, in the kitchen doorway. And neither of us knows what to do. Good, huh? There's something familiar about this, something... nice. But this isn't the time or the place. And why am I even considering that it ever could be? How many times am I gonna have to give myself a mental slap? This. Is. Spike! We will not have warm and fuzzy thoughts. Okay? Check.  
  
Spike looks kinda hurt as I hurriedly drop his hand and put my own behind my back. Gotto get down to business. And what have we said about Spike thoughts? Business... if I think of it as research maybe I'll get through this. Hey, I can tell Giles about this later. He'll be speechless from shock at research-volunteer-Buffy. Maybe we can all have a laugh about it later. When the gang's actually talking. 'Cos you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. And I'll just go sign up for Disneyland now. But I've gotta hope that there will be a time when we're all laughing. Even Spike. Even Willow. I wouldn't mind a few giggles myself. Whatever happened to the kids who really enjoyed their lives? Who managed to have fun inspite of things that go bump in the night? I really miss them. Us.  
  
But this isn't the time for memory lane, not for me anyhow. Spike's a different matter 'cos I need the background history to this soul-having, vengeance-getting deal. I wonder how he's dealing. Not too bad by the look of it. Better than the only other soul-vamp I know. So how different is this?  
  
"Maybe I could call Angel and ask." Oh my God, I just said that out loud!  
  
"No bleeding way! I am not having the Poof descending on me like the barbarian hoards on Rome and drowning me in additional angst and remorse. Got enough of my own, thanks all the same. He'll either want to kick me from here to kingdom come, stake me on principle, try to bloody empathise - like he'd have a bleeding clue about getting a soul by choice, well sort of, rather than as indigestion - or act like some sort of mother hen with one chick. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'broody vampire'. Ain't gonna happen, luv. I'd be outta here faster than you can dial the number."  
  
"But he might be able to help, you know, 'cos he's been there."  
  
"No!" You know Willow's resolve face? It's nothing compared to Spike's. Oh well, I can always call Angel later after Spike's gone... home... or wherever. See if he's got any advice. 'Cos me? Right now I'm clueless.  
  
"I mean it, Buffy. Don't even think about it. Tell Angel and you won't see me for dust. Sorry, bad analogy. But I'll be gone." Does he realise how big a threat that really is? I've been waiting for him to come back, waiting to talk or something since he actually got back, and the idea of not knowing where he is again scares me. 'Cos I know that this time if he left he'd go for good. And I won't tell him but I can't sleep so well when I don't know what's happening to him. Don't even like admitting it to myself.  
  
"Okay, Spike. I promise not to tell Angel. Or let anyone else tell him. Not like they would 'cos, hey, his Sunnydale fanclub is kinda low on members. So I don't see anyone rushing to spread the news."  
  
I turn to head back to the front room and trip over the chair I've only just got free of. But before I hit the ground, again, Spike catches me. Spike's holding me. I'm in Spike's arms. Why has my brain frozen?  
  
I should be the one to back off but before I get that idea moving I find I'm standing on my own again. Since when did Spike stop taking every opportunity to touch me? Am I Miss Ugly now? Doesn't he want me anymore? And why the Hell should I care? So I'm just standing there feeling like a total idiot as he heads towards the couch.  
  
"Come on, luv, lets get this little party started so all good slayers can get their well deserved rest and all bad vamps can go do what they do before the sun makes 'em explode." Okay, he's all Mr Calm-and-unconcerned. That's my job. I can do serene. Just watch me.  
  
So I follow him and take a seat at the other end of the couch. Look at me being all cool and collected.  
  
"Slayer, stop jiggling about like you've got ants in your pants. D'you need the loo or something?"  
  
Okay, maybe not so cool and collected after all.  
  
"I'm kinda thirsty. All this running around. Do you want a drink, Spike? I've got all sorts. No blood, sorry. Haven't needed to keep any around. But I've got water and... well, maybe not all sorts. Haven't got the groceries yet. Oh! Do you want some hot chocolate? I've got some of that! You like that, right? And... and... I think we've got marshmallows. And Willow made some cookies. But Dawn might have eaten them all. But I can check -" Could I sound anymore like Willow after her fifth mocha?  
  
"For crying out loud, Buffy, sit down. I'm fine. Let's get the inquisition over and done with."  
  
"You sure you don't want hot chocolate?" Do you think he's noticed I'm being all avoidy? I was doing so well before he got back. But I guess once a procrastinator always a procrastinator. So I picked up some big words when I was studying to get back in college. Sue me.  
  
"Buffy, luv, why would I want hot chocolate? It's bloody boiling outside! Stop trying to avoid the issue and just bloody ask me whatever it is you dragged me in here to ask. And stop jumping around. You're making me dizzy."  
  
Jeez, just trying to be a good hostess. No need to get with the yelling. But he's right. The sooner this is done the sooner I can get to bed and Spike can leave. I wonder if he'll wanna use the couch ? No, too sunny and Willow might open the curtains 'cos that girl is short a few brain cells right now. Still smarter than anyone I know, except Giles maybe, but not too good on the noticing of things. Like flammable house guests. Oooo! He could use the camp bed in the basement. That's pretty free of natural light. I could make breakfast. Go get some blood... and I can't believe I'm even thinking about this!  
  
"Come on, luv. Time's a wasting. Last thing you want is me stuck here all day. Could do your rep no end of harm." Duh, shows what you know, Spike.  
  
"Look, I'm not gonna bite. I told you, you can ask me anything. Anything at all. And I'll try not to laugh this time, alright?" And he's watching me, all open and honest with that slightly lost look in his eyes that's been tugging at me for the last couple of weeks. Is that the change I was looking for? Was it there before he went away? Funny, I'm not sure. Spent too long avoiding looking him in the eye, I guess.  
  
"So, how many vampires have you made?" I figure we're supposed to be doing the heart to heart thing so why not ask the question that's always been at the back of my mind.  
  
"D'know." He's still looking at me, head to one side, watching my reaction. I'd say there was no remorse on his face but... it's not that there isn't, cos that's been there since he got back, it's just... well, there's no new remorse. Like it doesn't matter.  
  
"What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know? I thought it was meant to be, like, a vamp's version of a religious experience!"  
  
He almost smiles. Which is kinda sick, if you think about the topic. What's worse is it's also kinda... cute. He hasn't really smiled at all since he got back, just the occasional hint of a smirk or a laugh. Even when he was laughing at me earlier his face was serious again at the end of it. But this looked like it was gonna be a real smile and I don't know if I've ever seen one of those. I dreamt about it - and know way is he ever knowing that! - and, I'm not sure cos I kinda blanked the memories, I guess it was there under Willow's 'I want everyone to do as I say even if it's embarrassing, painful or down right wrong' spell. Yeh, yeh, I know - 'do my will' but really, ego trip much?  
  
"It's not like that, luv. Yeh, Siring a childe is meant to be pretty bloody amazing but I wouldn't know. Never did that. Made minions when I needed them but that's kind of a hiring and firing gig. Almost routine. Dusted most of them myself cos they were bloody useless. Didn't tend to go for a long interview process, if you catch my drift. Turn now, repent at leisure. Or not repent. Just get hacked of and sack 'em. In a rather permanent manner." No, not a smile but something almost... wistful? Oh God, please tell me he doesn't miss it.  
  
"Don't hear a lot of repentance there, Spike. Seems more like you wish you could still do it."  
  
"Course not, on both counts. Don't wish I could still do it but I do wish I didn't feel bad about things. I miss the lack of conscience. It was a hell of a lot easier to live with. Guilt sucks, in a really unfulfiling, in-no-way-like a good feed, way. But there's no repentance about minions. I know it wasn't a good thing to do but turning someone isn't where the guilt lies, Slayer. The guilt comes from killing them in the first place. Killing anyone, whether they became one of the gang or stayed six feet under, pursuing their eternal rest. Lucky bastards. It doesn't matter what they became after, just that they went from living to... not living. That's what I repent. That's what I have to atone for."  
  
Okay, so that kinda makes sense but... "Don't you feel bad about all the people your minions killed? Those lives that were lost because you made more vamps?"  
  
And there's that hint of a smile again.  
  
"Fraid not, luv. Cos I don't know how many died. Won't be that many cos I always kept a tight rein. If there was gonna be a blood bath then it was me and Dru in the thick of it. My sins. Never let the minions have too much fun in case it spoiled mine. And I tended to turn unsavoury characters who'd get the idea of me being top dog and already knew how to hold their own. Didn't care about brains and didn't want the hassle of training them up. Reckon most of them held human life cheap before they ever crossed my path. Doubt being turned changed their kill ratio much, just altered their M.O."  
  
Huh. Okay, guess that covers the vamp history. For now, anyway. Now what about this soul?  
  
"Does it hurt?" I'm tempted to touch his hand. It's like I feel he needs reassuring or something. The walking, talking image of confidence and arrogance needing reassurance? Yeh, right.  
  
"Does what hurt? Thinking about the dead?" Okay, guess Spike didn't keep up with my mental leaps.  
  
"No, well, yeh. What I meant was the soul. Did it.. does it hurt? 'Cos when Ang -" Really gotta watch my mouth. Can't go talking about he who shall not be named. Can't risk Spike disappearing again.  
  
"It's alright, Buffy, you can say 'is name. Just don't want him knowing is all. You're thinking about his 'hundred years of brooding and forgetting about personal hygiene', right? He didn't go mad, you know. Even followed us out to China and tried to get on Darla's good side. Get back with the family. And the rat eating thing. From what I've heard that only lasted a few years. Now, I'm not saying he didn't feel it - don't see how he couldn't and it's not like he was able to hunt humans - but don't go getting the idea was lost in darkness till he met you. He's never been a bleeding saint. Never will be. Nor will I. It's a soul, a conscience, not a guarantee of purity. But that's not what you wanted to know, is it? Yeh, it hurts. Burns, I guess. But life wasn't all sweetness and light before I got it so I reckon I can live with it."  
  
Okay, back to pissed off Slayer mode. I know he doesn't like Angel, kinda understand why, but no way is it alright to call him a liar. Uh uh, no siree Bob. Spike's startled by my sudden rise from the couch and seems to shrink back as I start pacing in front of him. Gotta tell him it's not on, saying things like that. But if I do, if I start defending Angel, Spike might leave and I'll never... never... get the answers I'm after. Yeh, that's it. I want answers. I want...  
  
"Buffy, what's wrong?"  
  
"What's wrong?!?! You calmly sitting there telling me Angel lied to me, that's what's wrong! I know you don't - hmmph!" It's so tempting just to bite Spike's hand right now but... He doesn't look pissed off, just really, really sad. And I guess he wants me to listen, hence the palm over my mouth.  
  
"Pet, please. Sit down. C'mon. Thanks. Now, I take my hand away and you let me explain, alright? Good. Luv, I'm not saying he lied to you. Bloody Hell! He'd actually have to talk to you to lie. What did he ever really tell you, about the soul and how he was? I'm guessing not a lot, 'cos A you were young and he loved your innocence, wouldn't want to besmirch it or whotnot and B 'cos he'd never willingly talk about it to anyone, not his style. But you've got ideas about him, some right and some wrong. I know you love 'im. Know it better than anything else. But I don't think you've ever really seen him. And I don't want you making comparisons between me and him when your view is distorted. And I don't want you thinking that me having a soul instantly makes me pure as the driven snow. I don't want a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card. 'Cos what the soul really does is show me how little I deserve it. How little I deserve you."  
  
I watch as he moves as far from me as he can and still stay on the couch. My head is aching with all the questions, questions, QUESTIONS. This talk is meant to clear things up, not confuse me even more. And now I can't decide whether to hug Spike or beat him, cry or laugh. 'Cos what he's saying is true, I know it is, but now I can't stop thinking about how much I don't know. About Angel. About Spike. About me. Dammit, I like things black and white! Oh God, I'm crying! Guess my body knew what it wanted even while my mind's still chasing it's tale.  
  
I slide off the couch onto the floor. If I can just get grounded I'll be okay. I wrap my arms round my waist, trying to find comfort, anything. 'Cos suddenly it's too much and all the dealing I've done over the summer proves hollow. All I did was tuck the problems away, I never really solved them. But I thought I was so happy. I only felt anything else at night when I was alone. And wished I wasn't. When I dreamt of Spike but woke up without him. Damn you, you stupid... vampire. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Don't you know I need you to hold me? You, not Angel. I don't love him, you idiot. I... I... don't love anyone. But I need... to be held right now.  
  
"Oh luv, don't. Please don't. I'm sorry, so sorry, luv. Please, Buffy, I can't bear it." Oh thank God! He's here, next to me, holding me, stroking my hair.  
  
"Stupid, stupid vampire. Mmmmppphh. Ssshhhniffff! Nnnnyyyah!" Okay, so I know what I meant but I think the translation got lost when I buried my head in his chest.  
  
"Sorry, luv, don't speak gobbledegook. Try Fyarl. I can do that."  
  
Okay, not allowed to make me smile. I'm having a moment here. Not a fun one, I know but still. Have some respect. Spike just hugs me tighter as I try to say this but just sniff and snort. Jeez, how unattractive can you get? I bet I've got panda eyes, I'm dripping more than a Chaos demon and I've gone all monosyllabic. Funny how the word for little words is so big, which is so not important right now. Just have to settle for our old form of communication. So I slap him on the chest.  
  
"That all you got, Slayer? Barely tickled. C'mon, girl, I know you can do better than that. That's it, luv. Let it all out."  
  
There's a touch of deja vu here, a flash of a dark alley. But this so isn't the same. 'Cos I'm batting at him like a kitten with a ball of string and he's chuckling and still stroking my hair. Nuzzling my neck. And this is true comfort. True solace. I feel like I've come home.  
  
Which is why I'm really not happy when Spike abruptly pulls away. Or is that abruptly gets pulled away. What?  
  
"Get the Hell away from my sister, you bastard."  
  
Oh shit. Dawnie's home. 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N - this comes with a special shout out to the guys at Crumbling Walls for their encouragement and feedback. And for answering the odd question for me. Double thanks to Kumi and Trish. It's a longish chapter but I still feel like I've skipped stuff or fluffed it. Don't usually ask for reviews but... love to know what you think about this one. Cheers.  
  
Done Waiting - chapter 7  
  
  
  
"Don't" kick "touch" kick "my" kick "sister!"  
  
What the Hell is she doing? And why can't she be that tough on patrol? And why is Spike just lying there? And why am I just lying here?  
  
"That's it Dawnie. Go for the balls."  
  
And how the Hell did Xander get back in?  
  
Okay, Buffy, we've got two problems here. One, your little sis is kicking the crap out of Spike and two, Xander's urging her on. Gotta do something about both situations. Spike seems to be okay - if you can call hiding under the coffee table from a teenager with a mean right foot okay. So that situation can wait for a minute. But Xander... he might decide to join the fun at any second and he won't stick with kicking. And if he's here then Anya can't be far behind.  
  
"Yeh, Dawnie, you go girl. Show him - ooouuuffffff!!!" Running full pelt at Xander and using my shoulder to push him out the door might not be subtle but it's certainly effective. And Summers scores a strike! 'Cos Anya was coming through the door and gets catapulted out with him.  
  
"Buffy, what.??" They're both looking up from the bottom of the porch steps, breathless and shocked.  
  
"I won't have you encouraging Dawn to be a hooligan, got it? I told you I wanted you out of the house and I meant it. This time, stay out!" It's amazing how good it can feel to slam a door sometimes.  
  
Now to deal with the youngest Summer's.  
  
"I" kick "won't" kick "let" kick "you" kick "hurt" kick "her!" Who knew she cared so much? It's kinda sweet. Except for the totally unnecessary violence. Wonder where she picked that up?  
  
Better save Spike's butt. 'Cos she might not be having that much effect physically but it won't be good for his pride. And, really, he doesn't deserve it. At all. How could I even think about leaving him under there? After he was so... nice. Jeez, ungrateful much, Buffy?  
  
"Dawn, Dawnie, stop it. Please." She really is stronger than she looks 'cos the moment I touch her she shrugs me off and I'm on the floor again. And tonight's struggle with gravity just keeps on going. But maybe...  
  
"Ow!" Nope, nothing. "Owwwwww!!!!!! Dawnie!" That's it.  
  
"Oh my God, Buffy! Are you okay? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you, 'cos I can-" As she leans down to check me out I pull her into a hug and, thank God, she doesn't struggle. Just clings to me like she'll never let go.  
  
I look over her shoulder and see Spike still under the table. Not exactly a great welcome home when your formerly biggest fan leaves you hiding under the furniture.  
  
"Come on out, Spike. You're not doing much for the decor in here, seeing as how you clash with the carpet. No, Dawn. Stay with me. Let Spike alone for a minute. I think you kinda gave him a shock." I can feel Dawn tensing in my arms and I know if I let her go there is no way Spike's gonna be getting of the floor. Why do I get the feeling it's time for a little sisterly chat? Guess it's kinda my fault for not talking to her when he left. God knows what's going through her head right now.  
  
"Spike, you sit down. Me and Dawnie are gonna go in the kitchen and... you know."  
  
"But Buffy -"  
  
"No, Dawn. It's okay. Let's go get a drink or something, alright?" As I drag a reluctant Dawn through to the other room I look back to see Spike on his feet but shaking. But I can't take care of him now. I've got the troubled teen to deal with.  
  
I sit her down at the counter and grab a couple of soda's from the ice box. She's looking back at the front room and I'm just hoping she doesn't try to run through there. A football tackle would stop her but I don't think it'd solve anything. Little sisters might sometimes act like demons but you kinda get in trouble if you treat them the same.  
  
"Buffy, why is he here? Why did you let him in? When I saw Xander outside and he said Spike was here, I thought he'd be tied up or something. Why's he loose? He's dangerous."  
  
"He's not dangerous."  
  
"But he was attacking you. Again!" Oh boy, talk about getting it wrong. I'm reluctant to tell her what was really going on. Especially the part about how far it might've gone if we weren't interrupted. And it looks like I'm gonna have to have another heart to heart with Xander. Joy.  
  
"He wasn't attacking me. I was upset and... he was... he was comforting me. He won't hurt me. And you know he'd never hurt you, right?"  
  
"See, that's all wrong. 'Cos he attacked you before and he was in love with you! If he did that to you, what's to stop him going after the rest of us? Nothing. He shouldn't even be in the house."  
  
I'm wondering how much I can tell her. What she'll understand. Hell, I don't even understand it myself and I've been around for all of it. What chance has she got? But I won't have her being scared of Spike. It's just so wrong. She's never been scared of him before. She never hated him before. Even when she should've. But that's my Dawnie, never gonna stick to the straight and narrow.  
  
"Dawnie, even if Spike wanted to hurt you - which is so not the case - he can't. Remember?"  
  
That's got her thinking. Which makes me kinda nervous 'cos she's bright and she'll ask me stuff I can't answer. Don't think I'll get away with 'It's complicated' this time. Oh yeh, I can see the wheels turning and that light bulb over her head is kinda blinding.  
  
"The chip! What happened to the chip? No, you said he can't hurt me so the chips still working. So how could he have attacked you. Xander said he tried to... tried to... force you. Did Xander make that up? Ooh, wait till I get him. See how he likes hiding under the coffee table! Oh my God, Spike! I kicked Spike. Like a whole bunch of times. And he's only just got back. What if it makes him go away again? Buffy, what if he thinks I hate him. I mean, I'm pissed 'cos he went away and didn't say anything. And I was real angry when I thought he'd hurt you but... you won't let him go, will you Buffy? We'll make him stay. He'll forgive me, won't he?"  
  
What do I do now? Maybe I should just let her think Xander lied. Save a whole heap of trouble. And he's been such a jerk I wouldn't mind watching Dawn kick the shit out of him. If I tried to do it I'd probably kill him, which is so not of the good. Don't want to get Dawnie into bad habits, though. Time to come clean then. Or a bit, anyway. Maybe settle for a kinda dingy grey.  
  
"Xander didn't lie, he just made a mistake. Sort of. He found me, after Spike had been here, and jumped to conclusions. Me and Spike. Well. We had a fight and... he took things too far. But I don't think he meant to. I think I'd... confused him maybe. What he did was totally out of line and I'm never gonna forgive him, but... that's between me and him. It's nothing to do with you or Xander or anyone else. Spike never meant to hurt me and I know he'll never hurt you. Okay?"  
  
"No, not okay. You're saying he did hurt you, right? How's that possible? And you say you're not gonna forgive him but it sounds like you already have. What's going on, Buffy? Please. Tell me." And my baby sister is growing up. How'd she get so smart. At least when she's just whiney I can send her to her room. But she's being all with the insight. Must've spent too much time with Spike. Or maybe it's a bit of mom.  
  
"When I came back I was... different. I don't just mean depresso Buffy, I mean physically. Tara.. she said my molecular structure was a bit off whack. But no biggy. Only thing was, it meant Spike's chip didn't work on me and it all got a bit crazy. We both did a lot of damage. I'd like to blame Spike but I'd be lying. I was a total bitch. But I though I had the right, you know, what with all the stuff I'd gone through. Like he said, I did a real number on him. So there's a lot of forgiving to be done all round. And him forgiving you for playing 'Kick the Spike' - that's the least of it. He's always gonna love you. That's who he is."  
  
Dawn looks me straight in the eye. It's really disconcerting. She seems to be weighing something up and I just pray I don't fall short. It took along time for us to be able to talk and I really hope I didn't just blow it.  
  
"Okay. We're done here. My best friend's all on his own in the other room and my big sister finally learnt to tell me the truth. I hope. You guys so need to talk. So I'll just say 'hi, welcome back' and head to bed. 'Cos I'm whacked. That okay by you?" She's stood up and has come to stand by my side holding out her hand. I can't think of anything to say so I just nod. Seems to be enough 'cos she gives me a huge smile. I take her hand and we go to make peace with the other member of the triad.  
  
He's sat on the edge of the couch, hands caught between his knees. He looks up as we come in and gives Dawn a shy, little smile. Which turns really nervous as she goes flying across the room towards him. Butit's okay goes she just throws her arms around him, like she did with me earlier, and - again - it's like she has no intention of letting go.  
  
"Spike, I'm so, so, so sorry. You don't hate me, do you?"  
  
"Oh nibblet, I could never hate you. If anything, I'm impressed. You were just trying to protect Buffy. I'm proud of you. Never really gonna hurt me as long as you're still my li'l bit."  
  
"Always. Even though I'm way too big for you to still call me that. I'm just so glad you're back. Buffy explained it all." Now Spike's looking at me, eyes shining. And it's like he can see right through me. The full on Buffy x-ray.  
  
"Did she now." And that's all he says. Let's hope it stays that way 'cos talking to Dawn about it all is bad enough. Talking to Spike about it? Not sure I'm ready for that.  
  
"Yeh, we're good. Dawn just wanted to check on you before heading up to bed. She's got school tomorrow."  
  
Spike stands up and brings Dawn with him, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. They're so close in height now I'm not sure who's taller. He lets her go and Dawn walks over to me. Gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It's been a while since she did that and it's nice. More than nice. I think we're okay. I just stand and watch her as she walks to the stairs, throwing a 'night Spike' over her shoulder as she goes. Only to be stopped by Spike.  
  
"Wait up, bit, I've got something for you. Give me a sec." And he starts digging through the pockets of his jeans. God knows how he manages to keep anything in there. I mean, those things are spray on. Show every lump and bump. Outline all the... I've really gotta start looking into therapy.  
  
Jeez, how much stuff does he have in there? He's already dropped two handfuls of paper on the coffee table and there's more to come. Whatever he's got for Dawn is probably squashed beyond all recognition after being pressed so close to his body for God knows how long. Ummm, pressed against Spike for God knows how long. Undisturbed and... It's no good. I've got to get a hobby. Slaying and the day job just leave me too much time with my imagination. And it's working over time. Pity no one's gonna pay me. I'd be raking in the cash. What a way to mix work and pleasure.  
  
"Here you go, nibblet. Found it in Africa, outside this cave I... visited. It's not worth much but it made me think of you. And it's come a long way, thousands of years old, the right colour. Maybe it'll bring you luck or something." He holds out this small, green stone. It looks kinda like jade but it's not. It's all shiney but it's nothing special. I'm not surprised Spike looks embarrassed. It's even worse than those t-shirts that say 'and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'.  
  
"Oh my God! Spike! That's so cool." Well, I guess Dawn likes it.  
  
"It's like me, isn't it. All old and green and shiney. Doesn't look like much-"  
  
"but it's seen more than we'll ever know. Unique. Yeh, li'l 'un, it's like you."  
  
Okay, so I get it. That's kinda neat. Hope he got me something better though. Jeez, Buffy, be grateful if you get anything. Anyway, aren't you just glad he's back?  
  
Dawn gives him another huge hug and Spike's grinning like an idiot. It's... more than I hoped for. And maybe less as well. 'Cos Dawn gets the big smile and I get.. I don't know what I get.  
  
"Dawnie, if you're up to it can you stay here with Spike for a few? I really need to go take a shower." And before she can answer I'm heading up the stairs. I head into the bathroom and it takes a few moments for the ghosts to surface. And when they do I'm surprised how easily I can push them away. It's just a room. Finally. After a whole summer of avoiding this place and jumping at shadows, it's just a room.  
  
I don't rush but I don't take as long as I'd like either. I've given my head a chance to clear a little and got rid of the layer of... fear, I guess. It comes of real easy, which is kinda strange when it's been building for so long. I know I'm not free and clear yet, but at least the end seems in sight now. I go to my room to dry off and realise I've spent nearly as long in front of my wardrobe as I did in the shower. I want to look nice. Screw that. I wanna look hot. Even though I know, in the past, I could wear anything and Spike would still want me. But this time it's more about making sure he knows I want him. Even if I'm not ready to say it out loud. Okay, over thinking this. Just throw your pants, top and shoes and get back down stairs.  
  
I can hear Dawn moving around in her room as I go past. Guess it's just me and Spike then. Good.  
  
And there he is, on the couch.  
  
He's out for the count. He looks a little fragile, like sleep isn't something he gets much of. Boy, can I relate to that. He's kinda cute, but the mouth hanging open look looses him points on the hottiness scale. Still looks almost edible. Which totally sucks, when you're on a Spike -free diet. It's nearly as bad as that time I swore of chocolate 'cos I wanted to get into those new pants. Makes you wonder if the diet's really worth it.  
  
I try and be quiet as I move to the coffee table. Jeez, Spike ever thought of using a waste basket instead of your pockets? I start sorting through all the scraps of paper. No, I'm not prying, just tidying is all. Who buys two hundred cigarettes at one go? He gets a receipt for his blood? 'To do list - figure out what I've got to do'. You know, Spike, you really are a freak.  
  
'Another season of changes.  
  
Not a falling of leaves  
  
Or the tides turning,  
  
But a re-evaluation brings  
  
The bittersweet tang  
  
Of bridges burning.'  
  
  
  
"What's this? A prophesy?  
  
The paper gets taken out of my hand. Guess he's awake. Hopefully he didn't wake up grumpy, 'cos I feel like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.  
  
"Not unless Rocky shoved in a bit of pre-cog along with the soul." No, doesn't sound pissed. Just tired. Maybe I should tell him there's a nice, warm bed upstairs. Maybe not. Still haven't covered all the bases and it's way too soon to start down that road again. Funny, I'm not really doubting that we're heading that way. But not yet.  
  
"So, what is it?" He's stroking the paper, trying to get the creases out. He doesn't answer straight away and I wonder if he's going to. Then I wonder why he's bothered straightening the scrap out 'cos he just shoves it back in his pocket.  
  
"Poem." He's looking at me as if he dares me to say something.  
  
"Oh. It's... nice. What's it about?"  
  
"C'mon, pet, you don't need me to tell you that. What d'you think it's about?" I sit down next to him and take a moment to think. It's not hard but... it's like it's a test and I don't want to get it wrong. I'm still hoping I'm gonna get the prize.  
  
"Uh. Well. Change? Yeh, change. But what about the end?"  
  
"You really don't know? Luv, you may act thick at times but we both know better. What are you scared of? It's not like you're gonna upset me or something. Not like that should matter."  
  
"You've... lost something? Something you can't get back. It all changed and you can only go forward. What've you lost?"  
  
"Oh Buffy, what haven't I lost? Peace of mind. Conviction. Hope. Myself. I'd say I lost you, but I never had you so that's a moot point, isn't it? Got a soul and a whole hell of a lot of thoughts I never had before. Got a bit of William swimming round my head, but I'm not him and he's not me. Got all these bits and pieces that don't rightly fit together. And it's damned hard to think of a reason why I should care. But I can't seem to stop."  
  
I'm really not cut out for this. I can help if something needs killing or maiming but I can't do the touchy feely thing. If I could, I'd do it for me. I guess I should be glad that Spike doesn't seem to expect anything from me. Doesn't expect me to be able to help. Only trouble is, I want to. I'm thinking he deserves to expect something from me. Something that isn't a blow to the nose. Or the ego.  
  
"You haven't lost Dawn. She'll always love you. And... didn't someone say you should never give up hope?"  
  
No-one should be able to smile and look so sad at the same time. I can't remember when I last felt worse for someone else than for myself. But I'm starting not to care what's happened in the past. Looking at Spike is like looking in the mirror at myself when I came back. Whatever else, I've gotta give Spike a little of what he gave to me.  
  
"We missed you. You know what happened while you were gone, right? I don't know if you coulda done anything but... I think it might have been easier if you'd been here. And then you coulda joined in the 'The-world- hasn't-ended' party. Not that there was much of a party but you woulda been the life and..." Smooth Summers, real smooth. Now he looks even worse.  
  
"So. The poem. Did you write it yourself? Sorry, stupid question. I get what it means but why did you write it? Why keep it?"  
  
"Sometimes... sometimes there's too much in my head. It's gotta go somewhere. So I right it down. Clear things up a bit. No one to talk to about all this. No one would get it. So... I write."  
  
"Funny. I woulda thought you'd be embarrassed. 'Cos I found it. You really didn't want anyone to know you used to be a poet. I mean, before."  
  
"Don't be daft, luv. Got bigger worries than that. Anyway, who'd care? No one'd give a toss that Spikey's gone all bohemian and bleeding hearts. It serves a purpose, doesn't it? Stops me going mad. Mind you, that'd probably be relief."  
  
"You wanna go mad? Hello, does Drusilla ring any bells?"  
  
"Low blow, Slayer. Yeh, she was a sandwich short of a picnic, totally out of her tree most of the time. But she was happy. Well, usually. Wish I could say the same. Ah well, guess I don't deserve to be. Gotta pay for my crimes, after all."  
  
And suddenly I don't feel like it's about his crimes anymore. It's about mine. 'Cos he was just following his nature. Me? I did the opposite. I took all the lessons from Angelus and Parker. From every bad-ass, end-the- world demon I ever fought. Learnt my lessons well and turned them all on Spike. I took his desire for me, his doubts about himself, and used them to break him. 'Cos the ones I loved broke me, right? So, if he loved me he had to break too. And if he didn't really love me, if he was lying, he'd be fine. And I'd win. Is that it? Is that what I was?  
  
"Luv? Buffy? What is it? Come on, girl, snap out of it. Christ, Slayer, come back. You look like you did when Glory got the bit. You still in there? Please, luv, you're scaring me." How can he look at me after what I've done? How can he care so much? He's touching me with such tenderness. Grounding me again.  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
"Don't be daft, pet. As long as you're okay - are you okay? - you've got nothing to be sorry for."  
  
I'm I his arms for the second - no, third - time tonight. I don't deserve this. But he does. All he ever tried to do was touch me, hold me. I'm the one who turned it into something else. This thing he has with my hair. He's stroking me again. Like a treasured pet. One of those expensive cats that scratches without warning. But their owners still love them. I wonder how he'd take it if I started purring? I think I could live with being owned by Spike. As long as I can own him too.  
  
"You loved me."  
  
"Well, yeh. Kept telling you so. Reckon I always will. Sorry 'bout that. I'll try to keep it quiet. Know it makes you uncomfortable an' all." Oh Spike, don't pull away! Dammit, still thinking about me, aren't you Spike? Think that you're making me uncomfortable, when you're really making me more at peace, less scattered than I can remember. But you're right. Now's not the time. I wish someone would just tell me when it is the time. Wish I could figure out why I have to wait. That's right, I remember, I'm scared and trying to be sensible. 'Cos that's always worked so well for me in the past. And this time I have to be sure that I won't hurt Spike anymore. I know he won't hurt me. The poor guy's past broken and out the other side. And he wears it so well.  
  
So if we're not going to cuddle then I need a distraction. Ooh, maybe I can get my present now?  
  
"So you got Dawn a present. Which she totally loved. Did you get anything for me?"  
  
He's looking at me - a little puzzled, a little hurt. How did I hurt him this time?  
  
"Course I did, luv. Guess this means you don't like it. Pity that. Bugger to get and I don't think they do refunds or exchanges."  
  
"Huh?" What don't I like? Oh shit. Of course. How come so much of this has been about me but I only just get it? I think the world revolves around me - well, at least Anya thinks so - Spike's shown me, time after time, that his world turns around me. So of course he got me a present. The one thing I kept saying I needed.  
  
He got me a soul. 


	8. Chapter 8

Done Waiting - chapter 8  
  
I can't remember the last time I went out of my way to make someone happy. I don't mean in a 'if I do this it'll shut them up' kinda way. I mean do anything, give anything to make them smile. I gave my life to save Dawn but I didn't really want to be around anymore anyway. I gave my blood to Angel but that was 'cos I wanted him around. I ran hell for leather after Riley but that was 'cos Xander told me to. I'm sure I've done little things but I can't remember them. Maybe I thought it was enough to keep the world safe, that my reward for that was to be allowed to do what I wanted. Always do things my way.  
  
It's never bothered me before but now... now I'm sitting with the man who turned his life upside down for me. Even though he knew it mightn't make a difference.  
  
I don't think I've ever felt like such a complete failure before.  
  
So I have a new mission - find out what makes Spike smile. Dawn is high on the list so I'm gonna make sure they get plenty of time together. Added bonus - selfish as it is - is that Dawn listens to Spike a hell of a lot more than she ever listens to me. Which might mean she won't flunk classes, piss off Social Services or steal my clothes so much. Here's hoping.  
  
What else makes him smile? T.V. sometimes. Okay, let's get him hooked up with cable. Or get it here and give him a free pass. Maybe the free pass alone would make him smile.  
  
Blood makes him smile. Well, duh! So I keep a stock in the fridge - might be able to do a deal with the blood bank, so long as it isn't illegal. Only, what if the soul means he won't drink human blood? I'll have to ask. There's always Slayer blood, that's supposed to be irresistible. I could - maybe - siphon off a little once a week as a weekend treat. It's totally icky but... so's unhappy Spike.  
  
Maybe I can get him some CD's or something. 'Cos I think all his music went kablooey when I blew up his crypt. Oh man, I'm gonna have to help clean that up. Yuck. But it's totally within mission parameters. In fact, if I can't even do that then I might as well not bother with the rest. And that's not an option. Maybe Willow will help. She's so into the cleaning and helping thing right now. Yeah, she... isn't an option either. I've got to do this alone. Oh! And if I get CD's he can have the stereo that used to be in mom's room, 'cos I bet he'd have nothing to listen to them on otherwise. Okay, this is good. Getting a list here.  
  
What else?  
  
Spicy buffalo wings and onion thingies. So I'll take him to the Bronze. No biggy.  
  
His duster. Oh my God, how could I forget? His frigging duster!!!!!!  
  
"Buffy, where you going, luv?"  
  
"Just stay there, Spike. I totally forgot something in my room. Just hang on. Please." I'm already at the top of the stairs and heading for my room. It's in the wardrobe. I knew if I left it downstairs Dawn or someone would put it in the trash. Maybe even burn it. I don't like where it came from but it's too important to Spike to let it get lost. It's amazing how soft this thing is. The leather's worn down in places, with repair marks all over it. Who does the repairing? It would be just too freaky if Spike can sew. I don't really understand how it's survived so long. 'Cos the number of fights Spike's been in it should be totally... well, trashed. And I need the name of his dry cleaner 'cos I can never stop the blood and demon guts from making my leather stuff hard as nails. Okay, enough. Standing here mooning over a stupid coat is not how I plan to spend what's left of the night.  
  
I roll the duster up as small as I can as I walk down the stairs, then hide it behind my back before I go in the front room.  
  
"All sorted, pet?" The look on his face is calmer than earlier, not so haunted, but it's still too much. Oh baby, I promise I'll make you smile.  
  
"All sorted. Here, I thought you'd want this." And I can't help grinning as I hold my surprise out to him. He responds to my smile with an almost smile of his own. Until he looks down. And then his face... oh God, he looks like he did in the bathroom. After. When he realised what he'd done. No. No! It wasn't meant to be like this! I was trying to make him happy, dammit!  
  
" You...you... kept it. It's been in your home, all this time. You've looked at it... touched... Bloody hell, why? Why?" He's hunched over, gripping his hair. Like he wants to pull it out. What have I done?  
  
"Spike. Spike!" I'm kneeling in front of him. But he won't look at me. Why won't he look at me?  
  
I try to touch him but he rears back. Still won't look at me. Dammit, this is all wrong. This shouldn't be happening. I can't think. I don't know what to do.  
  
"Sorry. Sorry. I'm so fucking sorry! What I did. What I've done. I shouldn't be here. It's not right. Tainting you. Blackening you. It's all wrong." He tries to stand, tries to move past me. No, not gonna happen. I won't let you leave Spike. Not again.  
  
I'm standing as well, leaning into him, trying to edge him back down. He won't let me touch him. Leans away from me. I never thought Spike trying not to touch me would horrify me. Always thought it would be the other way round. After all, how many times did I tell him he was disgusting and I didn't want him touching me? Talk about getting what you wish for. It's such a sudden change. Only I guess it isn't, 'cos he's avoided me most of the night, only holding me when he knew I needed comfort. Those other moments when I needed to feel him he either didn't notice or didn't want to. And he hasn't let me near him. What's happening here? How did it get so fucked up? But this is even worse, 'cos now he doesn't want to be anywhere near me. And I need him. It's so clear now. I guess he just doesn't need me.  
  
But I was supposed to be figuring out what he does need. I thought his duster might...give him back some of his...cockiness. It seems to've done the opposite but I don't know why. If I can get him to talk to me, tell me what's wrong, then I can fix it. Somehow. There's gotta be a way. Whatever it takes - even if it's a beating. After all, he did the same for me. Okay, not my best plan ever. There's been so much hurting already, how could anymore help? But it's all I know how to do. Hit things till the problem goes away. Think it'll work this time?  
  
He's trying to slip by me. Damn it, a moment's distraction and he's off. I grab his arm. I won't let him go. I can't. He freezes but won't look at me.  
  
"Let go, Slayer. This is no good. Let me be." He's not moving but I can feel the tension under his skin. It's so familiar from all those times when he waited for the okay to touch me, knowing I might run. Funny - in a so not ha ha way - that he's the one trying to do the running and I'm the one desperate to touch.  
  
"No, Spike. Can't do that. Can't. I...I.....need you to stay, need you to talk to me. Please?"  
  
He looks up, startled. Oh, yeh, never told him I needed him before. Would've made him happy once. Now I think it just pisses him off.  
  
"No, luv, you don't. You don't need anything I can give you 'cos I've got nothing good to give. Wish I did, but there you go. Not something I've got much control over. Thought I did. After all, I was able to make you scream in pleasure, release. Scream my name. I thought it meant something. Well, it did mean something. And maybe you did need me then. But it wasn't good. If it had been you wouldn't have been ashamed. You wouldn't have been scared of it. Wasn't supposed to hurt you but it did. And then I hurt you. So you see, nothing good. Nothing decent. You deserve decent, Buffy. You deserve the good things. I didn't get it before but I do now. I'm a walking obscenity, something I used to proud of even if I didn't see myself that way. Can't be proud of it anymore and I won't let it taint you. You're too precious for that. Just forgot for a mo, that's all. Let me go. Please."  
  
Talk about turning the tables. Walking obscenity? I used to think that. Okay, so I didn't put it that clearly. Words? Not my thing. But...that's not what I see when I look at Spike now. 'Cos how can so much love, so much sacrifice be anything but bright? He used to glow, you know? His love used to make him shine and looking at it hurt my eyes, hurt my soul. Oh I see what he's saying but he's got it all wrong. It didn't hurt 'cos I was good and the light was bad. No, it was the other way round. I couldn't feel good or bright or special. All I felt was dead. I'd died and they forgot to bury me. Only they hadn't, they just made me get up again. If I'd known I might not have clawed my way out. Yeh, a slow death but preferable to how I felt all year and so much better than what I feel right now. And again it's Spike who holds the possibility of feeling something better. Only this time he doesn't want the job.  
  
Through all these thoughts I haven't taken my eyes of him, haven't lightened my grip. After that startled look he turned his face away but I know he can feel me watching him. He's prepared to wait. Guess he always was. For a guy who made impatience an art, he was so very patient with me. Just another sign of how much he cared. Well, I can be patient too. But it won't mean much if I let him go out the front door. 'Cos this time he won't come back.  
  
"Well, Spike, I never thought you'd pull an Angel."  
  
Oh that's good. That got a reaction. He's actually pulled out of my grasp but only so he can face me. No sliding away of the eyes this time, buddy.  
  
"Pulling an Angel? Don't you dare compare me to that wanker. We're nothing alike, you hear? Bloody soul-having poof, all holier that thou and prancing about like he's gonna save the world single-handed. Bemoaning his fate and his past. Not bloody having it, you hear. I'll never, never be like him."  
  
"Then don't leave." He looks like a fish, mouth hanging open. Suddenly I feel very calm. I know I can make it okay.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't leave. Not 'cos you think it's for my own good. That's what he did. Didn't care what I wanted or what his leaving did to me. Just decided it was what I needed and went. You always used to have staying power. Show me you've still got it."  
  
"But...but....."  
  
"No buts. I'm not saying stop being - I don't know - confused or angry or whatever it is that's making you wanna run. Just saying talk to me. Don't leave me with no choices. Trust me. And as for not being like Angel, I didn't think you were, but the list you reeled off? Sounded almost like you were talking about yourself. Might wanna think about that too."  
  
"Are you calling me holier than thou?" There's a look of absolute amazement on his face. I don't think I've seen him look so offended before. I can't help giggling. Which doesn't help. But it's nice to know I can laugh. That it's because of Spike. Maybe he'll realise that.  
  
"No, honey, never you. But you are being kinda...self-righteous, ya know?"  
  
He looks so confused. I never thought I could ache inside 'cos of Spike, not in a 'I gotta make it better' way. But I do. I kinda wish I had a bit of Willow's magic, a bit of her 'my-will-be-done' spell, so I can just wave my hand and make him okay. But there's no short cuts. We both know that. Uh oh, the confusion's been replaced by determination so I guess that means I've gotta get back to work. Mission Happy Spike has still got a long way to go.  
  
"I'm not bloody self-righteous. And don't call me honey. It's not appropriate."  
  
That's it. The tension in me snaps and I fall to the floor, gasping for air. Almost before I hit the ground Spike is at my side, trying to find out what's wrong. He looks totally freaked when I start laughing.  
  
"It's...'snort'...it's...'snort, gasp'...not appropriate?...'sob'..... Oh my god...'gasp'...that's so...'snort'...funny!!!!!"  
  
He's gone back to looking offended. Then, as I try to get control of my laughter, I see the hint of a smile. When I reach for his hand he doesn't pull back. Now, Buffy, don't push this. Don't grab and snatch. Patience. I can do patience.  
  
I've stopped laughing but I'm still smiling, trying not to be all big grins and scary. Spike's not used to me smiling and I don't wanna freak him out anymore. He helps me up and we're face to face.  
  
"When has there ever been anything appropriate about us? Appropriate equals normal equals not Buffy. It's not something that ever bothered you before. Bit late now." Crap, wrong thing to say. Now I'm standing again and he's pulled his hand away. Pulled himself away from me. How do I talk to him, reach him, when all I've ever tried to do before was the opposite? The calm. Gotta be calm again. Stop this tension that's still in the room from growing. Touching him makes it worse somehow, so I mustn't touch. However much I want to. God, it's like learning a new language. And knowing my skill with French - or rather lack of it - that's a scary thought. Talking with Spike used to be a kind of sign language. Or body language. Ignore what's spoken and look at what's done. He knows words, used them on me in so many ways, but I never learnt to use then back. How do you say sorry in Spike-speak? Without using sex. Gifts, that's how. But when I tried that I screwed up. So try a different gift, something of mine rather than returning something of his. Got it! But.it's upstairs. If I leave the room he's gone be out that door like a flash.  
  
"Spike, if I asked you to keep a promise, would you?"  
  
"D'know, Slayer. Thought I always would but I broke my promise not to hurt you, so who knows?" Oh Spike, we've really gotta get past that.  
  
"But you kept the one about Dawn. And the promise about hurting me is debatable. Not that I wanna debate it now. If I go upstairs for a minute d o you promise to still be here when I get back?"  
  
He looks at me then. I can see his mind working from the flickering if his eyes. The weighing up of thoughts. It shouldn't be that hard a question but then everything between us is hard so I guess I'm not surprised. Please, please say you'll stay.  
  
"Just until I get back. Then if you really can't talk to me, if you really have to go then that's it. The promise only holds till I come back down, okay?"  
  
"Yeh, alright. I promise I'll stay till you come back. Then all bets are off, right?"  
  
"Right." I race up the stairs, listening out for movement downstairs in case he decides to just go, 'bugger the promise'. Thank God I left the light on in my room so I can just run in, grab what I need and run out again. This time I don't bother hiding my present behind my back as I go back in the front room. I'm holding it in front of me, letting him see it. Letting him know there's nothing to be scared of.  
  
"What d'you need that for, Buffy? I already know what the Summers women look like." But as I hold it out to him he still takes the picture frame out of my hands. As I watch he gently runs his fingertips over the image of mom, Dawn and me laughing. There's such a gentle look of love and yearning on his face, all touched by loss and sadness. I can feel the tears at the back of my eyes but now is not the time.  
  
"I don't want you to go, Spike, but if that's what you've gotta do then... well, you should take this. You've loved us all and been part of all our lives. You should always keep a bit of us with you, don't you think?" All I can do know is wait, praying this is enough to open a gap in the wall between us. I built it but now I want to tear it down. Never thought that Spike would be the one to add the gun towers and razor wire. Huh, just got an image of Anya as a guard dog. Going by earlier she really needs a leash. But she's loyal. I should maybe use her as a role model. If I'd felt any loyalty in the past we wouldn't be here now. If I'd been loyal, then I would have been honest. Then we could talk. Or maybe we wouldn't need to. It totally sucks that hindsight is twenty-twenty.  
  
But he's still here, hasn't run. He's gone back to stroking the picture. Is it enough?  
  
"I can't take this, pet. It's too precious. You need it more than me, need to see how happy you were, know how happy you can be." And he' s trying to put it back in my hands. When I won't take it he puts it on the coffee table.  
  
This is it then. He's really gonna go.  
  
"So much for appropriate. Don't you know how rude it is to refuse a gift? Please take it. If you're worried about me missing it, don't be. I've got the negative and I'll run off another print. I want you to have it. It would upset me a lot more for you to leave it behind than for you to take it." His back is to me as he stands in the doorway, head down, like he's too tired to hold it up.  
  
I carry the picture over to him and gently touch his shoulder. Mustn't scare him. He flinches but doesn't pull away. Just sighs. Then he turns to me and accepts my gift.  
  
"Thank you. Are we done now?" It hurts that he's so desperate to leave. Especially as I know it's my fault even if I still haven't figured out quite why.  
  
"No, we're not done. I said I wouldn't stop you going and I won't, even though I want to. But please, please be sure that's what you wanna do. I'm trying not to make demands, probably failing. But...but...I want to understand. Will you talk to me? I'll try to listen. I'm not good at it but I really will try." And I'm trying not to grab his hand and pull him to the couch. Trying to be patient. Trying not to beg. It's easier than I thought. Maybe it's always easier when you try to do something for someone you care about. 


	9. Chapter 9

This is it.  
  
I've said all I know how to say and I don't think it's enough. I can't bear to watch him leave so I sit down on the couch and stare at the blank t.v. Is this how he felt every time I ran off 'virtue fluttering'? No, it was worse for him. I hate that I can see now all the things I couldn't see before.  
  
I can feel him still, hovering in the hallway. When I moved away he had his hand on the door handle. Is it still there? What's he waiting for? Does he want me to see him go? Is this payback? Okay, if he's waiting for me to look he can just keep on standing there. That way, he can't leave. Ha, Spikey boy, the jokes on you. How d'you like them apples?  
  
But this is no joke. My spine's like a steel rod, I'm so tense. Just waiting to hear the sound of the door closing behind him. Then it'll be okay to cry. Can't cry yet. That'd be blackmail. And I promised to let him go.  
  
Don't go. Don't go. Don't go.  
  
Oh god, Dawn will never forgive me! She'll think I drove him away. Again. How am I gonna tell her? 'Well, Dawnie, I gave him his coat back, he went a bit schizo, I laughed at him, he got pissed, I gave him a photo and he left. So ends the tale.' Yeh, she's gonna love that. Maybe she'd have better luck getting him to stay.  
  
Please stay.  
  
I thought Angelus was the one who was supposed to be into torture? Spike always said it wasn't his style. But he's torturing me now. How did he get to be so important? I want to blame the soul, 'cos that kinda makes it alright to want him. But the only difference I can see is his sadness. And that's not new, just deeper. So dark. Maybe that's what he meant when he said I belonged in the dark with him. Not just the night time, not with the evil, but lost in that unbearable sadness that only lightens when someone shares your pain. What did he call it that time? Something freaky and Spikelike and a bit British - made me think of Giles. He was almost joking when he said it. Oh yeh - 'Welcome, Slayer, to the long, dark, teatime of the soul.' Didn't make sense then. Not sure it does now. He was there when I was in the dark. Why won't he let me be there for him?  
  
Crap! This so isn't about the soul, this is about him. D'you know what hurt most in the bathroom? It's a tie between him breaking my trust when he didn't even know he had it and knowing in some way that I'd left him so desperate, so alone. Left him in the dark. And now he doesn't want to come out. Come out and play, Spike. It's lovely and warm out here. You'll like it. And the trust? Look what he did after! Having a soul doesn't make you trustworthy. Jonathan had a soul and the little jerk was as fickle as.well, as me I guess. 'Oh yes Spike, take me now. No, Spike, I don't want you, you're evil and bad and ooky.' One thing you can say for Spike, not fickle. He's got the staying power of a mountain. Mmmm, hasn't he though. And I've really missed scaling Mount Spike. Jesus, does sex always have to get in the way?  
  
Of course it does! That's Spike - determination, drive and sex. And devotion. Getting a soul was the greatest show of trust ever. The remorse and repentance of it. That's what makes me wanting him here okay. Not having the soul but the fact he went and got one.  
  
So if he's Mount Spike, what am I? C'mon, some of Spike's way with words must've rubbed of on me. And that poetry class showed me the magic of metaphor. What am I? A yo-yo? A thermometer, reacting to the heat? No, it's got to go with the mountain, put us both in the same landscape. What about Ocean Buffy, with it's ever changing tides. Yeh, I like that. Bet he will to. If he gives me the chance to tell him.  
  
Haven't you gone yet? Just get it over with so Ocean Buffy can cry her salty tears! Asshole.  
  
No, as long as he stay's there's a chance. If he's hesitating then he doesn't really wanna go, right? So I just shift the balance to the happy side. Which means piss him of so he stays to fight his ground or say something so stupid he feels the need to correct me like some undead know- it-all. Or just let him know it's okay, whatever it is. But no touching. Make him respond some other way.  
  
"So what's the deal with the coat?" Subtlety, thy name will never be Buffy.  
  
"You don't wanna know, luv." I got an answer! Okay, not the one I was looking for 'cos I really am kinda curious. But it's something.  
  
"If it makes you run like a coward, which you never were before, then I wanna know. Don't you think you still owe me a few explanations, Spike? C'mon, you spent God knows how long trying to tell me things so now I wanna here them, spill already." I can look at him now. If I turn round I won't see his back and have to watch him head off into the wide blue yonder. I can tell, I don't know how, that he's turned to face me. And there he is, all wounded blue eyes and frustration.  
  
"I owe you more than I can ever repay, Slayer. Don't you think I bloody know that? I owe everybody. Sure you want to use up some of your never ending credit on daft questions like that though?" Maybe he's right. The look on his face tells me that that way lies much badness. And I've seen enough of that to last who knows how many life times. But I also know this is important. If I let it drop we'll never get beyond this point. Scary as it is, the only way is forward. Damn truisms.  
  
"Yes, Spike, I want to dip into my repayment fund and hear about what got you so freaked. I want you to sit down - or pace if you have to - and tell me. Now."  
  
He's still hesitating. C'mon, baby, we can do this. I know what you were and I'm learning what you are. It'll be okay. Don't let me down. You are the mountain and I'm gonna play Mohammed for the evening.  
  
With the biggest sigh I've heard since I told Dawnie that no, three-inch heels were not right for school, he carefully sits on the far end of the couch. Perching there like some sort of bird, ready to take flight if I startle him.  
  
"So how do you want this - long story or short? Got all the bleedin' time in the world, me, and fuck all to do with it but think. So it makes no never mind. Tell you what. I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions and we'll go from there."  
  
"But -"  
  
"Hush, pet. If you want the bed time story then you have to do this my way. Right then, what do you know about the coat?"  
  
This is so lame. He's meant to be telling me, not asking me to tell him. But if I'm gonna get anywhere then I'd better play nice with the angsty vamp. So wasn't expecting another game of twenty questions.  
  
"You've always worn it, ever since you came to Sunnydale. It's a second skin, part of you. You look after it like it's precious. It's part of your Big Bad image but it's something more as well."  
  
"Huh. Out of the mouths of babes and all that." Is he calling me a kid? Hey buster, I've lived more in twenty one years than most eighty year olds. Or maybe he's just calling me hot. And anyway, I guess he's the definition of the older guy and then some. Let it go, Summers. "So what you're saying, Slayer, is that the coat defines me, right? It's what I am, who I am. Too Bloody right. So, next question. Where do you think I got it?"  
  
Well, duh!  
  
"Knowing you, you stole it. Which is a world of bad but it could be worse."  
  
Maybe that was the wrong answer, 'cos he's making these odd noises half way between a laugh and a sob. It's making my skin crawl. Thank god he gets it under control quickly. Then he just sits there, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. I can see him bracing himself to go on. Jeez, this is gonna be worse than I thought.  
  
"Spot on pet, but this is aeons past a world of bad. Round the sodding universe and back. Okay, last question. What is it?"  
  
"What? It's a coat."  
  
"For fuck sake, do you have to be such a daft bint? Course it's a bloody coat! Thought with your bloody prophesies and Slayer dreams and basic sodding psychology classes you'd have a concept of layers, sub meanings and all that bollocks. C'mon girl, think!"  
  
Talk about having a bug up your arse. Guess the soul didn't do much for his temper. He wants layers? I'll give him layers. If I can just get my brain back out of storage. I'm so tired I could sleep for the Olympics but so wired too. C'mon brain, let's pull one out of the bag for Professor Spike. Even Walsh was easier to deal with. Okay, maybe not. But still. Okay, layers...layers...  
  
"It's a symbol. It represents you and what you want the world to see. It's your way of saying 'Stand back, here comes trouble'. Or...or...that stupid thing you yelled at the t.v. when the soccer was on. 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."  
  
For a guy who doesn't need to breathe he sure chokes a lot. I'd slap him on the back but there's that no touching rule.  
  
"Bloody hell, woman! It's not sodding soccer, it's football. How many bloody times?"  
  
"Um, Spike, kinda going off topic."  
  
"Damn straight. Just try to remember, alright? Some things are sacred. Anyway, back to the fun and games. Yeh, it's a symbol, a signifier, but it's even more. It's a momento." And he looks at me like I'm meant to know what he's referring to.  
  
"What, did Dru give it to you on your anniversary of being vamped or something insane like that?"  
  
"No, pet, Dru had nothing to do with it. This was all me. My pride and my victory. What was I famous for when I got to Sunnydale? What did you know about me?"  
  
Too easy.  
  
"Being a homicidal maniac. But I'm guessing you mean something more, 'cos that covers all the big vamps. Okay, then it would be...Slayers...you've killed two Slayers...so you're saying...Oh God, oh my God!"  
  
I think I'm gonna be sick. It's a fucking trophy. One of those girls, it belonged to her. What did he keep from the other one? What would he have kept from me? Who? Who was it? Not the Chinese girl, 'cos leather coats in turn of the century China. Thinking kinda not. So that Slayer in New York, the one 'with a touch of my style'. All those times I thought how cool the coat was, how great it'd be to fight with it swirling around me. Oh God, I can't breathe.  
  
I can feel Spike fidgeting. If he touches me I'm gonna do some serious damage. Not so much 'cos I want to but this...horror...has to go somewhere. Has to be expressed. I knew. I knew what he was, how many people he must've killed. I've heard him boast and brag. Heard his pride in the fact he'd killed two Slayers. Not recently. Not for quite a while, I guess. But he used to be so full of it. I kinda thought he might...I don't know...not regret but...feel differently about the killing. I mean before he went away. Yeh, he loved the fight but...oh God. If he kept the coat then it was still there.  
  
But it's gone now, right? Otherwise he wouldn't be so freaked about the coat. I can't go back to doubting him. It hurts too much. He was right, I didn't really want to know.  
  
"And the girl gets it. Finally. So, ready to shove a tree limb through my chest? I'll even stand still for you. Or if that's a little too much, I'll just head out the door and we can look back on this as a pretty little farewell scene. One way or another, it's done. Can't take back the questions once they're answered. Have I got permission to retire then, Slayer?"  
  
It would be so easy to let him go now. While I feel this disgust. Who'd have thought that anything about Spike would be easy? But even feeling like this I know I'd regret it.  
  
"Permission not granted, Spike. I asked, you told me. That's all."  
  
"No it isn't bloody all. Get this through your thick, bottle blonde skull. I. Shouldn't. Be. Here!!! Have you really understood what I've told you? Have you got a fucking clue? I killed the girl, broke her neck. Before she was even bloody cold I was wearing her goddamn coat. Too right it's a second skin. Took it with less thought than a hunter skinning a beaver. And I wore it with pride every day from then till I left it here. Pride, Slayer! Only thing worse would've been if I'd 'ad her stuffed and mounted and hung on the wall of my crypt."  
  
"I thought you'd saved that treat for me." Oh, well done, Buffy. Can you get your foot any further down your throat? Looks like I've actually managed to shut him up though. Pity that what I'm trying to do is get him to talk to me.  
  
"Sorry, Spike. Totally inappropriate humour."  
  
"Don't you dare apologise to me, do you hear? You'll never do anything I'd need to forgive you for. Never. Anything you dish out, I deserve. Right? Right."  
  
"Anything?"  
  
"Yes, Slayer. Anything. I'll put up with anything you throw at me. Won't fight it. Don't have the right. Don't deserve any better. I can see that now. Before, I'd get pissed off at your blowing hot and cold. Thought I merited better treatment 'cos I had the audacity to love you. Thought we were alike, cut from the same cloth. I was a fucking idiot. You should never have come to me and I shouldn't have expected you to. So, yeh. Do your worst."  
  
He's standing there, waiting for me to hit him. Break him. And he wants it. That's why he didn't defend himself from Xander, just waited for the blows. Spike wants to be punished. And he wants me to do the punishing.  
  
I grab his upper arms, knowing my grip is hard enough to leave bruises. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. Again he's waiting for the first blow. What's he think it's gonna be? Knee to the balls? Kick to the stomach? I pause as I gather myself to do this.  
  
He makes a strangled noise as I reach up and gently kiss his lips. 


	10. Chapter 10

A/N - I thought I should give a warning on this chapter. It's been angst ridden before but I've taken it up a notch. Please forgive me. And I promise this isn't the end. Also thanks for the reviews - and well done fastpilot for picking up on the Douglas Adams. LOL  
  
  
  
Done Waiting - chapter 10  
  
This is what I've been missing, the feel of him. Only it's different. Something new. None of the anger and need to wound him. None of the need to be wounded back. Welcome home, honey.  
  
He doesn't respond at first. Then his lips open on a gasp and I resist the urge to deepen the kiss. Too soon. He needs time. Is it strange that I'm so aware of what he might need? I might not get it right but I'm aware. Everything I've kept quiet and buried is coming alive. Last year he made me feel, this year he makes me glow. Oh god, I'm turning into a tacky romance heroine! But I don't care. Not right now. Nothing is as important as this.  
  
I'm brought round with a bang when he tries to push me away. But I won't let him. I've gotta make him see that this is okay. Better than okay.  
  
When I won't step back he goes from pushing at me to trying to pull free. So I back him into the wall. Which kinda ruins the mood 'cos I'm getting those flash backs again. Is this too much about me? Should I let go? Does he really not want this? I don't know. But I know I'm scared to let go.  
  
Now he's turned his face away, so I gently nuzzle his neck with the tip of my noise, kinda like he used to do with me when he thought I was asleep. It's animalistic but in a soft and fuzzy way rather than a tearing with tooth and claw way. This is where his pulse would be. This is where his life would flow. Poor Spike, you used to be so alive, even if you were technically dead. You had more energy than anyone I've ever known.  
  
"Don't, Buffy. This isn't right." He sounds like he's gonna cry.  
  
"You said anything, Spike. That you'd accept anything I wanted to dish out. Anything I thought you deserved. Well, this is it." There's no resistance now. And I smile against his collarbone. You're mine. Don't you know that? You told me often enough.  
  
I risk pulling back so I can look at him, try not to hold him quite so tight.  
  
I think I'm gonna cry.  
  
What I thought was acceptance is really resignation. He's letting me do this but he doesn't want it. I recognise the look from all those times when he wanted to be gentle and I made him brutal instead. This is so fucked up. We're so fucked up. Why does nothing work?  
  
I let go of him and step back. He just leans against the wall, shoulders hunched. He looks defeated. I want him to look loved. But I guess I've already figured out that this isn't about what I want.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to push you. I just thought...I don't know really."  
  
"Told you not to apologise, pet. It's alright. I told you, whatever you want. Do whatever you want, I won't stop you." But you won't look at me either. This is no good. Gonna have to try the talking thing again. And I'm so good at that. Maybe I should just find Anya and let her take care of him. I'm just making things worse. It feels like if I don't fix Spike then I've failed. But that just makes it my problem. Maybe my motives are too screwed up for this to ever work.  
  
"No, I did too much of that before. I don't want this to just be about what I want, Spike. I just thought...last year...you weren't allowed...tenderness. You deserved tenderness and...so I'm sorry. For that. I guess it's too late. But you said to give you what you deserved." I sink to the floor, too tired now to even aim for the couch. Spike mirrors me, still leaning against the wall but now sitting with his knees drawn in. He's playing with the tufts of the carpet, gently pulling at them then stroking them back into place. It's a familiar action. I remember him using it on my body. Until I hit him and made him use bruising force. I'm not surprised anymore at the shame I feel remembering.  
  
We're both silent. I can't look at him and know that he won't look at me. I think about going to bed and just letting this night be over. 'Cos this is about as much fun as jabbing myself in the arm with Mr Pointy. And about as worthwhile.  
  
I don't know how long we sit there, avoiding looking at each other. My mind's gone blank and I can't think of a single thing to say or do. I'm so used to Spike making the first move when it comes to talking. Okay, the only move. 'Cos I gotta admit, I never really rose to the challenge. Show me an apocalypse and I'm there with the problem solving. Show me a conversation and I'm back in the school yard. Insult, hit and run. It kinda works. If you like being alone.  
  
I have too much alone time.  
  
It's funny - in that 'if I don't laugh I'm gonna cry' way - that Spike was the one who showed me just how hard being alone can be. When Angel left something broke inside but I still had the others and I still had dreams of a normal life. And there was that little matter of Angel only being around when he wanted to be anyway. I didn't lose a constant companion when he headed off for the bright lights of LA. And Riley? For all the things we had in common we never found common ground. And he always thought I was something other than me. That's how it felt, anyway. So I tried to be that other person. And I truly sucked at it. Which is when he started letting someone else suck at him. I think that was a bigger betrayal than Spike's.attack. Odd that it hurt less. But when Spike went, even after all the horror we put each other through, I really found out what being alone meant. No one to fight with, no one to hold you even when you say you don't want it, no one to understand, no one to watch your back. No one who'll forgive you anything.  
  
There really is so much to tell him. If I was someone else then maybe I'd be able to. As it is, I'm stuck here in my front room watching a broken man toying with my carpet. I guess I'm a coward after all.  
  
I can hear someone moving around upstairs. I doubt it's Dawn 'cos when that girl sleeps nothing short of a troll hammer gets her out of bed. So it must be Willow. Wonder what she's thought of all the goings on. She can't have missed it, even though she's zoned out eighty percent of the time. Probably thought it was best not to get involved. Which is odd for old Willow but standard for the ghost who lives in my house now. I miss her concern but I'm totally on board with the lack of interference. Wish Xander had learnt to butt out. Just a shame it took the death of her lover, the mutilation of another human being and nearly destroying the world for Willow to learn the lesson. But she still bakes a wicked cookie.  
  
Guess I spoke too soon. 'Cos I can hear her coming down the stairs. Maybe she thought we're all done down here. Maybe we are.  
  
"Hey, Will. C'mon in and join the party. It's kinda lacking the party feel, what with the no music, drinking or having anything vaguely like a good time. So maybe not a party. Join us anyway."  
  
"Buffy? I wanted a word with Spike. Is he still here?" Okay, that wasn't what I was expecting.  
  
I point towards the vampire huddled against the wall. Even with Willow mentioning his name he hasn't looked up. I know he's awake 'cos his hands are still moving.  
  
"Oh. Okay. Ummm, Spike? Can we talk? If I'm not interrupting. 'Cos if I am I'll...I'll just...go away. And catch you later. If that's okay? Is it okay?" She nervously looks from Spike to me and back. There's little confidence there but she's still showing more - what? Initiative? Yeh - than she has since before the summer.  
  
Maybe it's her tone of voice that gets his attention 'cos he looks up at her and there's a gentle smile on his face. A look I haven't seen too often. I'm kinda disgusted by the twinge of jealousy I feel towards Willow. But it's there all the same.  
  
"Hey, Red. Long time no see. Course we can talk. Whenever you want. I think the Slayer and me are done here. We can have a little sit down and let Buffy go upstairs and get her rest."  
  
"No!" That was a bit louder than I meant. But I'm so scared that if I go to bed this is gonna be the last time I'll see him. And I don't care if that would be best. It would hurt too damn much. I can feel the tears start at the back of my eyes. How often did Spike feel this rejected and unwanted? Is it only fair that I get a taste of it too? God, am I gonna second guess everything?  
  
They're both looking at me. Spike with a sort of despair and Willow with a weird combination of shame and frustration. Nice to see I'm still bringing on the happys. I can't bear to see them look at me like that. It's too close to the worst moments of last year. How disappointed I made them 'cos I wasn't what they wanted me to be. Wasn't giving them what they needed. It's worse with Spike 'cos he deserved more. With Willow it brings back some of the resentment. How dare she ask for anything from me when it was all her fault anyway?  
  
"Ummm, Buffy? I wasn't trying to get rid of you or anything. You know that, right? I mean, hey, your house! I can...umm...come back later? If you need more time. Or you can hear what I have to say, I guess. Though I was kinda hoping to talk to Spike alone. But that's okay. It's not urgent. I mean I'd like to talk to him soon. Real soon. But not right now. If it's a bad time. Ah, yeh." The nervous, shy girl I first met when I came to Sunnydale is standing in front of me again. I've kinda missed her but I miss clever, confident Willow too. How do I explain that it's not her I'm worried about? At least, not right now. 'Cos I do worry about her. But probably not as much as I should.  
  
"So, er, Buffy? Should I go back up? Or, I don't know, I could get drinks for us? So you can talk? Maybe that'd be best? Ooo, we've got cookies! Do you want a cookie, Spike? If Dawn hasn't eaten them all. I'll go do that." I watch as Willow backs out into the kitchen. And wonder how long I've got to persuade Spike to talk to me before she comes back.  
  
Looking at Spike I've gotta admit forever might not be long enough.  
  
After smiling up at Willow, and glancing at me when I yelled, he's gone back to contemplating my carpet. Great. I should just give up. Hey, it's not like I haven't done that before. Sometimes it feels like I only stick with the fights that use fists. Is it really worth it? It's got to be.  
  
"Spike? If I leave you and Willow to talk, will that be it? Are you gonna leave again?" I feel like I can't breathe. His answer means too much. I never thought Spike could be so important. I never even worried about him killing me. Never thought he'd manage it. This might be the closest he's ever got. No wonder I'm scared of him now.  
  
He still doesn't look at me but I can see him straightening his back, preparing himself. So this is gonna be bad. But for him or for me?  
  
"Is there really any point, Slayer? What good's it gonna do? I'm not gonna do a disappearing act. If you need any help I'll be around. But that's it. I'm no good for you. We both know it. Why make this any harder? Let it go, luv. It's for the best." Now he's looking at me. And I know I won't change his mind.  
  
I stand up as calmly as I can. I don't want him to see how much I'm shaking. He doesn't need that. He doesn't need me. This is my problem now. I'll just have to deal.  
  
"Okay. I guess it's gotta be your choice. I'll be...grateful. For the help. Maybe you can tell Willow how to get in touch? Oh, and stay in touch with Dawn. Please. She's missed you. I'm gonna go up. Say goodnight to Willow for me." I want to kiss him, hold him. Just for a moment. But it'll only make it worse. I've had all I'm gonna get.  
  
It's so hard to walk away. So hard. Worse than when I said goodbye to him after Riley's little visit. And that was pretty bad. I guess I knew then it wasn't final, that he still wanted me. That it was my choice. This isn't my choice. This isn't what I want. All I can do is hope that I'll see him sometimes. That's all that's left. I was better off before I got home tonight.  
  
"I'll do that, Buffy. I'm sorry. Really. Wish it could be different but I don't see how. It's a bloody shame but there it is. Goodbye, luv." His voice is so soft, it's a caress. Oh god, I'm gonna miss it! I run out of the room, desperate to get to my room before I breakdown. 


	11. interlude A Tale of Two Sinners

A/N - this was written to explain what happens between Spike and Willow at the end of chapter 10. It takes place at the same time as chapter 11 and isn't vital to the main story. So it's up to you if you want to read it! And a quick shout out to Trisha for being a wonderful Beta and continually stroking my ego. Purr, purr. Oh, and apologies for the delay ; )  
  
A Tale of Two Sinners  
  
Willow was shaking as she pulled open the door of the refrigerator. Something bad was going on and an inner voice was yelling at her to get out before it was too late. Before she got sucked into something that she couldn't control. But, hey, that covered pretty much everything right now. She had to learn it wasn't about controlling the world around her, fixing everything whether it was broken or not. It was about learning to accept. And learning when help was actually manipulation. Tara had tried to tell her, to warn her. She hadn't listened then. Now she knew she had to  
  
"Oh baby, what am I gonna do? It's so hard without you." She shut the door and lent her head against it. She didn't even know what she'd been looking for in there. Didn't think she'd actually find all the answers sitting between the soda and the milk, did she?  
  
Being without Tara was like missing half of herself. The pain had changed over the months but it hadn't gone away. As much as it hurt, she still hoped it would never leave her. If it did then Tara was truly gone. Willow clung to thoughts of Tara like a lifeline. She didn't make many decisions anymore, just flowed with the tide, but those decisions she did make always included the question 'What would Tara do?'. As long as she used that as a guide she couldn't go wrong, could she?  
  
It was Tara's ghost who had suggested she talk to Spike. 'You know who'll understand, sweetie? Spike. He lost his lover. He did things he can't escape. He might not be able to make it better but he'll be able to listen. He's probably a very good listener.'  
  
Willow had doubted this advice, even though she knew it came from inside herself, that she just put it in Tara's voice to see if it fit. And it had. But still she wasn't sure.  
  
Until tonight. She'd seen Spike hanging around for the last few weeks but as long as Buffy didn't mention it, neither did she. It had been impossible to miss all the yelling this evening though. The bad Willow voice, the bitter part of her that she tried so hard to ignore, had enjoyed the pain she overheard. Revelled in the suffering of her friends. Thought it served Spike right for being stupid enough to get caught by Xander. But the Tara voice had wept.  
  
The Tara voice had wanted to wrap Spike in her arms and tell him was going to be okay. 'Cos if it could be okay for Spike then it could be okay for Willow, too.  
  
"You wanted a word, Red?" Willow jumped at the sound of Spike's voice. She'd forgotten how quiet vamps could be. Or maybe her thoughts were just too loud. She didn't hear much of anything these days unless it was yelled at her. Which meant she didn't hear much at all 'cos yelling didn't happen too often. Everything had become kinda subdued while she was away. Dawn wasn't doing the teen drama on a daily basis. Or even weekly. Which was good but it made Willow uneasy 'cos she guessed Dawn's new maturity had too much to do with the whole going evil kick Willow had been on. And Buffy just seemed disinterested. Not in a recently dead way, just in a 'something's missing' way. Was the missing piece standing in the kitchen now?  
  
"Red? Willow? You in there?" Oh yeah, shouldn't leave the vamp waiting. But where to start?  
  
"I...I was trying to find some drinks but I didn't know what...there isn't any...any blood in the fridge. And I couldn't figure out what Buffy would like. Is she waiting for me?"  
  
Spike was standing near the door into the kitchen, almost leaning against the frame. But not quite. Like the tension in his body wouldn't let him relax even that much. Willow had never seen that look on his face before. A gentle, inquiring smile. If this is what he'd offered to Buffy when she came back no wonder they'd got it on. Only it didn't explain why things were so bad between them now.  
  
"No, pet. The Slayer's gone to beddy byes. Just you and me. What can I do for you?" Is that relief in his voice or sadness? Both seemed to fit the scene Willow had walked in on.  
  
"I don't know where to start. I thought...thought, well, you've been where I am now, you know? You're kinda there again now. Oh, congrats on the soul! Or maybe not 'cos you don't seem too happy with it. The soul, I mean. Are you? Happy? No, sorry, stupid me. I can see you're not. Umm. Yeh. So..." Willow paced back and forth, wringing her hands like the Lady of Shallot in her tower. Is that what she was? Trapped, doomed, fated? She was startled by a cool hand touching her own too-warm skin. But she didn't pull away, just looked up into Spike's concerned face. Let him lead her to one of the high chairs by the island. How can this be the same vampire who had threatened her with a bottle, later threatened to turn her? But even then there'd been a twisted sort of compassion. She remembered how he'd told her it wasn't her fault he couldn't bite, assured her what a tasty morsel she was. It shouldn't have been reassuring but he'd made her feel good about herself for a moment.  
  
Considering the circumstances of impending death that was one of her good memories. Weird.  
  
"You're tied up in knot's 'bout something, luv, and it's not my new acquisition. So come on, tell Uncle Spike. What's on your mind?"  
  
Willow shifted on her seat, ducked her head while she gathered her thoughts. Couldn't quite get them clear and decided to just go for it.  
  
"How do you - I mean, I - get past this?" Was that enough? Would he understand? She wasn't sure how to clarify it 'cos this was the phrase that kept running through her mind. It summed it all up for her. But it might not mean anything to Spike as he hadn't spent the last few months inside her head.  
  
Spike sat silently for a moment. Ask a simple basic question and you get a killer of an answer. In the form of another bloody question. Brilliant. He couldn't clear up his own messed-up psyche, where the hell did he start with the witch's? By being straight with her, even if it burnt them both.  
  
"You don't, you always carry it with you. You become Sisyphus, rolling the stone of your misdeeds up hill all day. Then again the next day. And the next. For the rest of eternity. And in my case it might well be bloody eternity. All you can hope is that someone will help. By loving you or what have you. Or the stone will become a pebble, eroded by time. But it never ends. Live with it."  
  
Right, that might've been a bit too blunt. But Spike hadn't had to bother with tact for over a century. He'd tried developing it for dealing with Buffy but he'd never quite managed. Who was he kidding? He'd managed tact with anyone who he didn't give a damn about. Just couldn't get it up for those he cared about. And despite what she'd done - or maybe because of it - he cared about Red. Oh well, he did think that honesty was best. Hopefully the witch felt the same.  
  
"That's it?" Ah, obviously not. Willow looked at him with horror and Spike knew he'd have to find another way to approach the issue. Or she'd give up now.  
  
"What, you thought you say enough 'sorry's, do enough good deeds, bake enough cookies and it'll all go away? No chance. You didn't drop a bleedin' china vase, specially picked out by Great Aunt Ada. You took a life, Red. But that's nowhere near the worst of it. You didn't care that your friends were at risk. Worse than that, you chose to put them at risk. And worst of all. You told the truth. You can't ever take that back. What do you want, Red? Want to go back to lies and evasions, no one talking to anyone else? That it? Or do you want them to trust you? Be straight with 'em. It's time, pet."  
  
Still not quite the tone he'd been going for but the look of horror was gone, replaced by the signs of deep thought. Spike had realised a while back that this was why Willow and his - no, not his. Not now. Not ever - Slayer used to be thick as thieves. They both had brains and they both took things to heart, then made a pig's ear of trying to express it. While Buffy resorted to denial and violence, the witch went for magic or a way to make it all logical. Trouble with emotions was there was no quick fix and they were never, not in a million years, logical. Nor could you hide from them. They'd just jump up and bite you on the arse. And god, did he know about that!  
  
"So that's it? I'm stuck with this and it's never going to get any better. Well that...that just sucks!!!" So the witch was gonna go for anger. Well, as long as it was an 'I need to express this or I'll explode' kind of anger and not the 'I can change this with the right spell' type, they should be alright.  
  
"Willow, no. Didn't say it can't get better. You can't leave it behind but it isn't everything. It's not the end. Think about it. This is as bad as it gets. So everything else can only be better." And finally it started to make sense. For both of them, it seemed. There's always somewhere to go and if you're at the bottom then you can only go up. Spike felt a twinge of pride that he'd finally managed to say something that wasn't designed to piss Willow off. And a touch of doubt that what he'd said was true for himself. He really couldn't see a way up and out of this pit. He'd lost track of the light. Thought it was Buffy but knew that he'd deluded himself on that score. But there'd been a flash of brilliance when he'd seen the Bit. After she'd stopped kicking the shit out of him that is. And right now he felt, if not the heat of the sun, at least the warmth of another soul finding a modicum of release. He couldn't expect Willow to be his guiding light but they could be there for each other. Maybe. If he deserved that much. He was starting to see her as the dimming embers of a once bright fire and if he could provide the right fuel then she'd burn bright once again, go back to giving warmth to those around her. Just as long as she didn't have another go at being the towering inferno.  
  
"Yeh, I guess, but..." Which meant don't let her doubt herself.  
  
"But what?"  
  
"I mean...how?" And there was the million dollar question. And what was the answer? Spike thought about what he'd hoped for. What he thought Willow had.  
  
"Well, you got welcomed back didn't you? The Slayer let you back in the house and the Whelp was always on side, I reckon. The Watcher took care of you, took you somewhere to heal for a bit. Can't be that bad." Funny. It hurt to acknowledge that Willow could have what he'd never be allowed. And he'd been unable to keep the loss out of his voice.  
  
Spike turned away from Willow's beseeching eyes. He wanted to help, he really did. He just wished it didn't have to hurt so bloody much. But then the pain was what he deserved. He'd dished it out for long enough. 'Bout time he experienced it for himself. Only this went so much deeper than anything that Buffy had ever served up. After all, he only had himself to blame. This was all he was worth.  
  
"I'm sorry." Willow turned Spike to face her, stroking his arm. Her eyes were full of tears. Spike thought they might be for him and he knew he didn't merit them.  
  
"Why? Didn't do nothing to me, luv. Wish I'd been here so I could've helped Buffy and the Bit. But...broad bloody daylight, human, not a lot I could've done even if I had been here. Couldn't have stopped Tara getting shot and that's what set you off. Couldn't have stopped you once you got going 'cos like I mentioned before, I'm no good against humans. All I could've done is watch. And I had to go. Something had to change and the thing that was out of kilter was me. No one else's fault, is it now?"  
  
"I know all that, Spike. I'm sorry because you're right. I had help and something to come back to. And I'm feeling like you deserved that more than me, you know?" She was wrong, so wrong. What Spike deserved was to be alienated, ostracised, rejected by anyone and anything decent. Even Willow was too high above him to touch. He would only be here long enough to see she'd be okay. She had to understand that he didn't deserve her sympathy.  
  
"No, what I did was unforgivable."  
  
"Hello? I tried to make the world all crispy. Before that I majorly beat up on Buffy. Oh, and came this close to making Dawnie all glowy energy ball, oops not a real girl. What did you do?" What hadn't he done? He'd torn away all that he'd held holy. Broken the trust of his Summers girls. Backed the Slayer into a corner both literally and metaphorically. Tried to take something he had no right to and lost something he'd struggled against all odds to attain. Destroyed the one halfway decent thing he'd managed to build.  
  
"Broke a promise." How could Willow be looking at him with such compassion when he was just a worthless excuse for a...what? Not a man. Not even a real demon anymore. The soul was meant to resolve his confusion. All it had done was turn a blinding beacon on all his faults, failings and depravities. With his greatest depravity being his belief he had any right to a place in Buffy's heart.  
  
"I don't understand. Okay, so promises are important but breaking them's not unforgivable. And it's not like you didn't do worse things, you know, pre-chip." How to explain to someone like Willow, still inherently innocent after all she'd done?  
  
"It's not the promise being broken that's the issue here, pet. It's how I broke it. I can't come back from that. Thought I could. Get a soul and you've got a get out of jail free card. What I got was the opposite. I got to understand just how much I'd screwed up. Got to realise that it's too late."  
  
"Okay. Umm, not sure where that's going but I don't think you're gonna tell me. Are you? No, guess not. I'm guessing it was a promise to Buffy?"  
  
For a moment Spike looked at her as if she was Xander, that hint of contempt more painful then Willow would have imagined. She cared what Spike thought of her. She cared about Spike. Did he care about himself?  
  
"Stupid question. Sorry. But Spike, Buffy seems - I don't know - okay with it? I know she's not 'okay' okay. Not in an 'everything's peachy' way. But she wanted you here. At least, that's how it seemed."  
  
Did she have it right? That's what she'd seen. Spike holding back, something she didn't think was possible, and Buffy desperate for him. Again, an unexpected situation. Did she miss something? Apart from all the stuff that had happened between them over the past year.  
  
"Yeh, maybe she wanted me here. That's what she said, not quite in those words I don't think. To be honest it's all a bit hazy. Never was hazy before. I'd hang on her every word 'cos it might be that moment I needed to make her mine. But the playing field's changed somewhat. Can't expect anything from her anymore, you know? And wanting me isn't needing me. Isn't loving me. She can't love me and I can't let it be how it was. Not just 'cos it hurt like hell but because...it damaged her, Red. I damaged her. Doesn't matter that she did the same to me. I was asking for it, she wasn't. I thought I could make it right. Should've known I had bugger all chance of that."  
  
Now Willow understood why Buffy had seemed so desperate. Spike was so far from allowing himself any relief that he couldn't hear when it was offered. What had they done to each other? Is this a time when she could help? And if she could, should she? Could and should didn't matter when Willow saw the emptiness in Spike. His whole body screamed with it. Even the Bad Willow voice was hiding from this torment. It wasn't something that could be revelled in. It was too overwhelming.  
  
"You've given up. You're here but you've stopped being...anything. How can you expect me to believe it gets better when you don't?" Willow's soft voice belied the accusation in her words.  
  
"Well, Red, it's like this, see. You are inherently decent, for all your mistakes. Where as I am inherently a fuck up. Don't mean the demon. That did what came natural to it. I mean the man I was, the soul I regained. Well-meaning but ineffectual. This need I have for Buffy isn't new. It's not clean 'cos it's tainted by the demon. Thought a soul might change that. Make it all just washed white and shining, the way love should be. But it's still just another piece of the pattern of my existence. Another page in my catalogue of misdirected passion. And she deserves more."  
  
"What do you deserve?" Spike looked up with his face shadowed by resignation. It was like he didn't even think he deserved to be asked the question. How long had he hated himself so much, Willow wondered. This went beyond the soul. This was ancient. This was how Buffy had been.  
  
"Just what I'm getting. Maybe I should let Buffy use me. If I honestly thought it would help her I could deal with it. Somehow. But she needs someone she can love and that isn't me. I'm gonna stick around 'cos I won't risk being somewhere else if she's in trouble. She's not gonna die for lack of backup. Here," he picked up a pencil and a bit of paper and quickly wrote down an address and number. "that's where you can get hold of me. Next time there's a Big Bad about give me a call. I'll be there. And I'll keep checking the cemeteries, keep the newbies dusted. Keep my ear out for anything useful. Alright?"  
  
What could Willow say? No, it's anything but alright. It sucks melons through a bendy straw. How could she let Spike leave feeling as he did? Knowing that there was more to Buffy's feelings than some kind of twisted craving? But until she could prove that to him there was little she could do.  
  
"Can I call you, you know, about other stuff? Just to talk, 'cos talking is what I need to be doing and.I'd kinda like to be doing it with you. In a totally not icky way. You've helped, you know? I knew you would. So, would it be okay?" 'Cos if Spike had helped Willow then it could work the other way too. Once she'd sorted a few things out.  
  
"That'd be fine. No, actually, it'd be really nice. Christ, I'm a pathetic bastard. Nice? I'd be happy to do anything that'd help, Red. Now I'd better get going before the sun makes getting about a problem. All reformed vamps and witches should be getting their kip about now, I reckon." As Spike stood up and headed for the back door, Willow stopped him. After a moment's hesitation she threw her arms around him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Thank you." She released the shocked vampire and tried not to give into embarrassment. After a moment Spike gave her a genuine, face splitting grin.  
  
"No, pet, thank you." And he was gone.  
  
As the door shut behind him Willow let herself enjoy the feeling of peace that was lurking at the edges of her mind, pushing it's way past her fear and remorse. Spike was right, it was gonna get better. All she had to do now was make sure that applied to Spike and Buffy as well as herself.  
  
In the morning she'd sit her friend down and find out exactly what she was feeling about the guilt-ridden vampire. For now, she was gonna head to bed and dream of Tara. 


	12. Chapter 11

A/N - this continues straight from the end of chapter 11 and runs at the same time as the interlude A Tale of Two Sinners. The section of this chapter between two sets of these *** is a little gruesome and isn't essential to the story line. So if you're a bit squeamish, give it a miss. And thanks, yet again, to the wonderful Trisha for her beta and support. Oh, and apologies for the delay ; )  
  
Chapter 11  
  
  
  
I don't bother taking off my clothes. It really doesn't matter. And I don't want to think. I've lost the will to act. So why bother? I just throw myself on the bed and pray for my brain to shut down. Hey, it's not like I use it that often. It must need a rest after all the action it's had tonight.  
  
I can hear Willow moving in the kitchen. Maybe that's why the tears won't come. It's more important to hear what's going on downstairs than to dissolve into a puddle of Buffy mush. And when I think about it that way, the mush is so not appealing. The sheets are fresh and you wouldn't believe how much I hate doing laundry. Why the hell am I thinking about laundry? Oh yeh, that's why. So I don't think about him. Will someone just knock me out so I don't have to think at all? Perhaps if I go and wake up Dawn she'll be pissed enough to lay me out. She's developing a mean right hook to go with that full-on kick. I could tell her it's training,  
  
Who am I trying to kid? There's no way I'm gonna let her come close to knowing how much I've screwed up. I don't care how sharing and caring we've maybe over the last few months. This is mine. Mine alone. My loss. My guilt. My loneliness. To be cherished, if that's all I'm allowed. I am so not sharing. Only one guy gets to share and he's not interested. Oh hell, if he was there wouldn't be anything to share!  
  
There's a low mumble of voices coming up through the floor boards. Guess the killers are having their heart to heart. Dammit, I don't want this bitterness, this jealousy. I wanna wish them both well but I just can't find it in me. The Inner Bitch is screaming too loud to come out and play.  
  
Talk louder you two, dammit. I can't hear you down there. I wanna know what's going on. What neither of you will share with me. Please let me in. I'll be quiet. You'll hardly know I'm there. I promise.  
  
I realise I've been rocking back and forth on the bed when the creaking of the bed springs drowns out the mutters from downstairs. Gotta be quiet. And I really should stop strangling poor Mr Gordo. Not like it's his fault. Just the wrong pig at the wrong time. I've always liked pigs. Must be what got me hooked on Spike. 'You're a pig, Spike'. How often have I said that? And most of the time he just smirked right back. Mr Gordo doesn't smirk. Probably 'cos he's a stuffed toy and not a sassy, hot as hell vampire. I think about trying to persuade myself that I'm happier with the pig than I would be with the vamp. But what's the point? Too late to pretend now.  
  
I give up on trying to figure out what they're saying. Probably wouldn't do me any good anyway. Mom used to say that if you listen at doors you'll never hear anything good about yourself. Or something like that. I wasn't really listening at the time. If I'd known she wouldn't get the chance to say it again, I swear I would have listened the first time.  
  
Wonder what she would've made of all this? Probably threatened to stake Spike for all the bad stuff before he left and then sat him down and listened to his problems. With lots of 'there, there's and 'I know's. And, of course, the odd 'Yes, Spike, Buffy can be very difficult at times'. But if Mom had been here it would never, never, never have got so bad. I miss her so much but that little bit of me hates her for leaving me. Didn't she know I needed her? I just realised something. Did Spike need her? Does he miss her? After all it was pretty much just her and Dawn who had any time for him. At the time I thought he was using them to get to me. But he just showed me how wrong I was. I wish he could've seen her before she went. Regret, thy name is Buffy.  
  
Well, doesn't matter what I call myself right now. I've gotta rest. Gotta sleep. Maybe if I'm fresh tomorrow I'll be able to see a way through this. I kinda wish I could go back to how I was before Spike made me notice the world again, back to being numb. It was cold, empty and lonely but it barely touched me then. Right now I've got the same feelings and I can't touch anything else. Just gotta sleep. Gotta let this go.  
  
***  
  
I'm straddling Spike and all my anger, all my frustration is travelling down my arms, into my hands. And onto his face. I'm beating him. I know if I look up, I'll see the alleyway by the police station. But I don't look anywhere but at him. And I don't really see him anyway. I just hear him.  
  
"You're not my girl. You'll never be my girl. I'm just another body to you. You can't love."  
  
With every word I throw another punch. If I hit him hard enough maybe he'll shut up. Maybe it won't be true. Can't let it be true. My eyesight's all blurry. I can see his look of disgust as my tears hit his cheeks. I see the splashes of blood as my knuckles connect with his broken skin. I can't do this. It's all wrong.  
  
I stand up and pull him to his feet. As he staggers I put my arms around him, tell him I'm sorry.  
  
"No you're not" Dawn says as she pulls out of my arms. "You never wanted to come back. You should have stayed dead. It was better then. Spike cared about me but you drove him away. He looked after me. What did you do?"  
  
Before I can stop myself I hit her and she's on the ground.  
  
"Dawnie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
  
"You're always sorry, Buffy, but it doesn't change anything." Instead of Dawn's long, brown hair I see dark blonde curls.  
  
"Oh god, mom!" As I help her up she pulls away from me, clutching her head.  
  
"All that worry you put me through, all those years you lied to me. You drove your father away. Then you brought an abomination into our home. Not once but many times. Vampires, witches, mystical keys. It was too much."  
  
"I didn't want that, mom, any of it. I swear." She straightens out her dress, as she looks me in the eye.  
  
"Well, it's far too late for you to say anything, young lady. You never did know how to show gratitude. You've always been ungrateful. But at least it's not my problem anymore. Thank god."  
  
I want to reach out to her but I can't move. I open my mouth to tell her I love her but I can't speak.  
  
"Nicely done, Buffy. What a wonderful human being you are. Gotta admire that Slayer spirit."  
  
"Willow, where are you?" I try to look round but my body's frozen.  
  
"Don't worry sweetie. We're gonna solve all your problems. But I gotta show you something first."  
  
She walks into my sight line. Oh god, no. Her hair and eyes are pitch black. She's carrying something. It looks like a bundle of fabric. She stops in front of me, head to one side.  
  
"Wanna see? It's really neat."  
  
Whatever it is I don't want to know. Guess I don't have a choice.  
  
She lets the bundle unravel. It's almost white. Maybe a really pale pink. I want to throw up as I realise it's a human skin.  
  
Or maybe not.  
  
I thought it was Warren but the colouring is all wrong. Too pale. Hair too light. Hair so light it's unnatural. No doubt who it is as she spreads it out in front of me, suspending it in the air in a warped imitation of the crucifixion.  
  
Spike, what did she do to you?  
  
"Oh, I know what you're thinking. What did I do to poor old Spikey. But guess what. Me? Didn't do a thing. Nothing for me to do with you around. This is all you left of him. Guess you really sucked him dry. Gotta love the irony. Wanna see a cool trick?"  
  
She turns the skin round so that Spike's empty face is in front of her. She leans in as if to kiss him. She simulates a lovers embrace as she starts breathing into his mouth. I'm beyond sickened as I see the skin start to inflate.  
  
"What do you think? Good for parties?" Willow is grinning at me over Spike's shoulder. When she's sure she's still got my attention she goes back to his lips. And keeps on breathing until he's whole in her arms. She turns him round again and he opens his eyes, looking at me with such loss.  
  
"And here's the really neato special bit. You ready for this?"  
  
She reaches round and shoves her fist into his chest. Spike screams as she grabs something and pulls her hand back out. The world starts to spin when I see his heart in her hand. I still can't move, can't close my eyes, can't look away. His heart should be dead. Not this red, pulsing organ. I can hear the blood pumping through it.  
  
She's still pulling her hand away from his chest, clutching the heart. It's attached to something inside Spike and I see his body start to fold in on itself, following the heart. She's turning him inside out.  
  
"You've so gotta see what happens next. You're gonna love it. Or are you? Don't know, don't really care. But let's see anyway."  
  
Spike's skin is now completely inside out, the heart still attached. As it uncrumples I'm stunned not to see the blood I was expecting. There was no way I could've expected to see this.  
  
I'm looking at myself.  
  
And as I straighten out and flip my hair over my shoulder, Willow holds her hand out to me. I go to take the heart but as I reach for it, it explodes into dust.  
  
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. You broke your new toy. Aren't you gonna say sorry? Buffy?"  
  
***  
  
"Buffy, what's -"  
  
My hand closes round Willow's throat before I realise her hair is flaming red again. Damn Slayer reactions. Oops, maybe now would be a good time to let go.  
  
She slumps down on the edge of the bed, coughing and rubbing her neck. Guess that's gonna leave a bruise. I feel bad but kinda - I don't know - like I got some sort of payback. Don't want to think too closely about payback for what.  
  
"Buffy, are you okay?" Her voice is kinda croaky but that's not so surprising. I wasn't exactly gentle. I should be grateful I didn't kill her. Yet she's more worried about me than what I just did. Now I feel really lousy about the payback thing. Great, more guilt to add to Buffy's little fun bag of sucky emotions. What's she doing in here anyway?  
  
In al the weeks she's been back she's never come into my room uninvited. Thinking about it I can't remember her coming into my room at all.  
  
"I'm.okay, Will. Sorry about the strangulation. Didn't mean it. What's up? Why are you in here anyway? Not that I mind." Gotta make sure I don't send her running. Yeh, it's odd that she's here but I'm hoping it's a change for the better.  
  
"You were screaming. I could hear you and I was worried. Was it really bad? Was it a Slayer dream? Oh god, you weren't in your coffin again, were you? Can I do anything? Do we need to do research? 'Cos if something's coming I can call the gang. Oooo, do you want me to call Giles, 'cos he could be all with the answers? Or I can just shut up and let you get a word in. Yeh, that's a plan." Her face has gone bright red and she's looking at her hands. Poor Willow, she looks like the shy girl who couldn't believe I wanted to be her friend all those years ago. But she's not that girl anymore.  
  
I wonder what to say. It wasn't a prophesy - just my mixed-up subconscious popping up to say hello. In a so not welcome way. I really don't know how much to tell Willow. Don't think she'll want to hear about her part in the action.  
  
"No need to call out the troops. And no graves involved either. Just a plain old nightmare. Extra mean." I reach out my hand and sigh in relief when Willow takes it. There's not been a lot of the touchy stuff between us in a long time. It's like we both had to keep back to stop our glass suits from cracking. Maybe they're gone now. I smile at this and the smile gets bigger when I see Willow's mouth curve up in response. Oh yeh, we're gonna be okay. I have to make sure I don't close her out. And that I don't give her reason to do that to me.  
  
So I'd better start with the dream.  
  
"It was...weird. I won't go into details 'cos, hey, don't really wanna go back there. But the gist is, well, apart from guest appearances from my greatly disappointed nearest and dearest, that I've screwed up. Big time. And too often to count." My hand that isn't being held by Willow is twisting the edge of my bed spread. I know I have to stop or it'll tear but I need to do something. Even something totally pointless.  
  
"Umm, Buffy? Sorry if I'm out of line, but was it anything to do with Spike?"  
  
"Not out of line. Kinda scary that it's so obvious. Yeh, totally about Spike. What am I gonna do Will?" Please let her have the answer. And let it be something like 'go get him' and not more along the lines of 'give it up'.  
  
I risk looking up from torturing the bedclothes. This doesn't look promising. Willow's face shows sympathy, pity. Does that mean it's hopeless? It sure feels that way but I kinda thought that the big one-on- one would give her the major insight into all things Spike and how to make him all Buffy-loving again.  
  
"Well, what do you want? 'Cos if you're thinking you can go jump his bones then I can't, - no, won't - help you. I didn't know what was going on last year, still don't, but I know it was bad. For both of you. So I'm not gonna get involved if that's where you're heading."  
  
"No! No, that's not it. Is that what you thought was going on? Oh god, is that what Spike thought was going on? Willow, please you've got to help me. I've got it all so wrong. I don't...don't...how do I make it right? Please, what do I do? What am I gonna do? You've got to help me. Please. Please."  
  
I can't stop myself crying. It's worse than I thought. It doesn't matter if Spike wants me anymore if he thinks I'd go back to how it was. Why would he think that? Why?  
  
And why am I asking myself when I should be asking Willow? Who's now holding me and rocking me gently. This is more than I'd have hoped for earlier but it's not what I need. Haven't they figured out what I need? I guess it took me so long, I shouldn't really expect them to know.  
  
"Is that why he left? This time, I mean. He has left, hasn't he?"  
  
"Yeh, he went about an hour ago. He's in a bad way, Buffy. He blames himself but I'm guessing some of it's down to you. And the other way round, too. I don't think I really want to know what you did to each other but I'm thinking you might need to tell me someday. Or tell someone at least. So, like I said before, what do you want?" I lean back to look at her. All I see is concern. There's no judgement on her face. And I realise that yeh, I do need to tell her sometime. For now, what do I want?  
  
"Him. Spike. That's what I want. A bit of what we had before and all the things I wouldn't let him give me. And all the things I didn't even consider giving him. The whole works. If that's too much then...I want him to be my friend. I want to be his. I don't know if that's even possible but I'd wanna try. It won't ever be enough but it would be something. I never thought I could be scared of losing Spike. Then I did but I wouldn't think about it. Lose him, I mean. Now, even after everything. Even though there's things you don't now about. Well, maybe you do. But these things are supposed to be unforgivable, on both sides. Anyway, they don't matter. I didn't think I could get past them but they're not even an issue, you know? Spike got past what I did. I've done the same with him. Didn't think I could but I didn't even have to think about it. I just know I love him."  
  
There. I've said it. I've told someone. And it didn't cause the world to end.  
  
Although Willow does look kinda stunned. Like I just hit her with a wet fish. What's that phrase Spike used about me when I got hit by that Fyarl snot? Gobsmaked. Yeh, she looks gobsmaked. I guess laughing now would be kinda inappropriate. Wow, can't remember the last time I said that much to her.  
  
"You...you love him? Oh. Oh wow. That's...Buffy, are you totally stupid?"  
  
"What?" Where the hell did that come from? I thought she was all with the Buffy and Spike party. Should've known I had to keep that one to myself. Dammit, thought I'd stopped crying. Guess not.  
  
"Shhh, Buffy. Don't cry. That came out wrong. But.no, sorry, you really are kinda dumb, you know."  
  
"But you like Spike! Don't you? Isn't that what you meant? Isn't it okay for me to love him? Dammit, Willow, I didn't want to lie but I'm kinda wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Okay, we're done here. I need to get back to sleep. Good night."  
  
As I try to roll over and huddle down into my pillows, Willow grabs my shoulder and hauls me back to face her. She looks kinda embarrassed. Funny, I was expecting anger or disgust or something. Not this uncomfortable expression. Now I'm really confused.  
  
"Okay, one? No need to lie. Two - it is okay to love Spike, I just didn't realise that's what this was. No, that's wrong. I hoped it was but I didn't think you knew. Three - you're stupid 'cos...why did you tell me? He's the one that needs to know."  
  
"But he does know. He just doesn't care."  
  
"That's it. Buffy, get your ass out of that bed and get some clothes on. Jeez, good thing I'm here. C'mon, hurry up!"  
  
Now she's in front of the wardrobe and throwing stuff at me. And she moves across to the dresser and I get hit in the face by my underwear. What the hell is she doing?  
  
"Willow -"  
  
"Move it, Buffy. Stop wasting time. I'll get your shoes. If you're not dressed in the next five seconds I'll dress you myself, got it?"  
  
No, not so much, but I realise she's serious. This top doesn't go with the trousers but I'm thinking now's not the best time to mention fashion. Willow is on a mission and it looks like part of the mission is me. By the time I've got dressed Willow's gone out and come back again. She's got my shoes in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. She drops the shoes at my feet and shoves the paper into my hand. It's Spike's handwriting.  
  
"Buffy, he doesn't know. You never told him. So that's what you're gonna do, got it? He wrote down where he's staying so I could stay in touch. Left a phone number and everything. I'm sorry if I yelled but I can't believe how dumb you've been. Now get you're ass moving and tell the poor bastard how you feel."  
  
Willow swore! Oh, right, not important. Spike doesn't know? How can he not know? Oh yeh, 'cos I kept telling him it was never gonna happen, couldn't ever happen. And all he believes now is what I told him before. Well, thank god for Willow.  
  
I thrust my feet into my shoes and hop out of my bedroom as I pull them all the way on. I haven't looked at the paper so I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll figure that out once I'm down the stairs. One thing I do know.  
  
I'm off to tell a vampire that I can't live without him. 


	13. Chapter 12

A/N - well, it's finally here. This is the last chapter, folks. More of an A/N at the end. Oh yeah, lines between these (*) are song lyrics. Disclaimer at end.  
Done Waiting - Chapter 12  
  
I really never thought I'd be back here again. Home of bad memories and wistful thoughts. Can't be much better for Spike. Hell, it's probably worse. Maybe that's why he chose it.  
  
When Willow shoved the paper in my hand and sent me on my Spike hunt, I didn't stop to check where I was going until I was halfway to his old crypt. Had a total 'duh' moment when I realised that I wouldn't need an address if that was where he was hiding. Automatic pilot had me nearly to the door before I stopped long enough to read where I should be heading. And the lack of light made it a bitch to read the faint writing. So I had to back track to the cemetery gates to find a street lamp. Geez, you'da thought with all the night time activity going on in Sunnydale's graveyards that someone would fix up a few street lamps. It'd sure make my job easier. But no, the no-brains that claim to run this town don't think that far. If they think at all. Which is kinda doubtful.  
  
Anyway, when I finally got somewhere light enough for me to make out the address of Spike's new lair-sweet-lair I nearly turned round and went home. 'Cos like I said, what I remember of this place? Not of the good.  
  
The mansion looks smaller than I recall. Guess it's all about that perspective thingy. It was a huge part of my life so it looked...well, huge. Now it's just a place I used to know. Not so big. Not so important. Still, if it wasn't for the bleached wonder I'd just have kept on avoiding this little part of old Sunny-D. Speaking of, time to stop musing and start knocking.  
  
As I walk up to the door I can hear music. It's kinda familiar but no way would I associate it with Spike. Doesn't sound like his cup-of-blood. Too angsty teen? Too mournful lost love? Okay, maybe it suits him after all. But I still can't place it.  
  
*-from falling to my knees. One step away -*  
  
Something about it makes me wanna dance. I can feel my hips starting to sway. I know I've done this before. Not the knocking on Spike's front door, 'cos manners aren't something I've used with my vamp punching bag. More likely to slam my way in and make demands. Which last year would end with Spike slamming...  
  
Bad thoughts. Shouldn't go there.  
  
The music is really starting to get to me. Wish I could place it. It's not that I don't like it... I just don't get it. It's another of those not- Spike things that Spike is suddenly full of. Only I don't really know how not-Spike they are 'cos I've realised that I don't know him. I didn't want to. So let's add another item to the bags I'm taking with me on my guilt trip. I'm just glad when the song stops and I finally feel free to hammer on the door. Only it's more of a gentle tap. 'Cos I'm not sure what I'm gonna say when he answers. 'I love you' seems kinda abrupt. And really, really scary.  
  
*-stupid thing last night. I called you A moment of weakness. No, not a moment -*  
  
Christ, it's that same song! Has he got the damn thing on repeat, or what? So not only have I got to think fast about what I'm gonna say, I've also gotta knock loud enough to be heard over the song that wouldn't end. Just great.  
  
Well, a frustrated Slayer is a loud Slayer. Without thinking I've reacted to being pissed off by whaling on the door. So now I'm standing here, startled, fist raised in front of me, as I hear the sounds of pounded wood echoing back at me. Geez, Summers, talk about waking the dead! Way to go.  
  
Under the sound of that damn song and the echo of my knock, I can hear footsteps. Which is a shock 'cos Spike's usually all with the stealth. Nearly scared the life outta me more than once with his creeping up on silent feet. Not that I'd tell him that, what with the Slayer senses that are supposed to warn me long before he gets close. Just that sometimes they, well, don't work. Okay, they work. I just get caught up in thinking bout stuff and ignore them. And that's something no-one gets to know. Giles would go ape. It's not like it's my fault I have a lot of things on my mind. Like now. Which is why I didn't hear the door open.  
  
And suddenly Spike is standing in front of me. I know it's only been a couple of hours since I last saw him but it feels like forever. Is this what it used to be like for him? Is this why he used to hang out under my tree all night? I think I get it now. I'd wait days for a glimpse of him. And just look at him now. I guess he was settling down for the night, er, day. 'Cos his shirt is open all the way down and his hair is all messy like he's just got up. Yummy. He's leaning against the door frame, one hand still on the door, his head tilted down and to the side so it's like he's looking up at me. And his eyes...his eyes...  
  
"Slayer. Right, it better be in the sewers or something like, else I'm gonna be bugger all help. What's required? Axe? Sword? Or a combination?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What's the weapon of choice?"  
  
"Weapon?"  
  
Did I miss something? 'Cos I swear there was no lead in. I know I was kinda out of it but I'm sure I didn't miss anything he said. And my brain isn't coping too well with the figuring out 'cos not only are the words not making sense but all I can see is Spike's naked chest. A girl just doesn't need these distractions.  
  
"Buffy?" Ooo, he sounds kinda...worried. He's worried about me. That's so sweet. And I can't help looking up and smiling.  
  
"You've got really nice eyes. All blue and...blue. Except the black part." Shit, said that out loud.  
  
"Right. So it's some sort of hypnotic beastie is it?"  
  
"Huh?" Well done, Buff. Back to the single syllable vocab. Willow would be so proud.  
  
"The beastie. Works some kind of mojo, does it? Got to say, I'm surprised Red let you out by yourself considering the state of you. Should've called. After all, that's why I left my number. What's she thinking, letting you wander about all alone when some bugger's played tic-tac-toe with your brain cells." He's looking over my shoulder as if he expects to see someone, or something, else behind me. Okay, still not sure what he's talking about but I can deal.  
  
"Phone number" is all I manage as I wave the bit of paper in the air. Now the worried look is a bit closer to panic.  
  
He leans toward me, looking into my eyes. It reminds me of how he'd act just before he'd try to kiss me. Just before I'd push him away. Gentle kisses weren't allowed. But if that's where he's heading now there's no way I'm gonna stop him.  
  
"Let's get you inside, pet. I'll call Red and see what the Hell's going on. After I've got you settled. C'mon, Buffy, I know you can move else you wouldn't have been able to get here. Buffy? C'mon pet, put one foot in front of the other." And he takes my arm to start leading me into the mansion.  
  
No kissage then. Not much of a surprise after earlier. But a girl lives in hope. Weird, huh? Used to be Spike doing all the hoping. I really should try to say something. Something that actually makes sense.  
  
"What are you talking about, Spike?" Nice, subtle re-entry into the world of the coherent.  
  
I really should've waited till we got through the door 'cos now he's let go of my arm. And he's blocking my way in.  
  
"Alright, what the hell is going on here! Are we going demon kicking or what? And why where you hammering on my door and standing out there like some sort of bleedin' zombie? You were almost catatonic, you stupid bint!" Wow, he can go from concerned to pissed in two seconds flat. Which is not good news for me. He doesn't look receptive to a declaration of undying affection. In fact he just looks like he's thinking about ripping my head off. Oops.  
  
"I need to tell you something" Okay, heading along the right lines.  
  
Spike looks at me for a moment then steps back. Good, he's letting me in. So why has he put his hand up to stop me?  
  
"Buffy, go home. And tell Red her invitation just got revoked." He's closing the door! Uh uh, mister. No way are you stopping me this time. As he's not slamming the door my foot shouldn't get broken now that I've put it in the way.  
  
"Spike -"  
  
"No! No more talking. It doesn't help either of us. Or are you too damned stupid to realise that? Please, Buffy, just leave me in peace. I just wanna rest, alright? Come back when you need a hand with the next Big Bad and not before. Else I'm going to have to move again and I really can't be doing with it. Oh, and I'll take this. Don't need you phoning all hours either." And with that he snatches the piece of paper out of my hand and starts trying to gently push me out of the doorway.  
  
"Please. I don't have to come in. I mean, I'd like to but... And I promise I won't come back or call or anything. Unless there's some uber nastie that I need your help dealing with. And don't blame Will. Okay, so she told me where you were. And she made me come over but...er...dammit. Just a couple of moments. I just need to figure out how to put this. And you can't send me home yet 'cos Willow will be so pissed with me if I don't do this. I mean, really. And have you any idea how rough it is sharing house and home with a cranky witch? Mucho badness. Herbs end up in the wrong places and it's just icky. Totally. So, ummm, you see how it is." I know I'm using puppy dog eyes and I'm ashamed of myself. Really. Okay, not so much. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.  
  
Just gotta pray it works. Please, oh rulers of the universe, make Spike play nice.  
  
I can hear a low growl coming from Spike's throat and he's tilted his head back. I'd think he was looking at the ceiling only his eyes are closed. Does Spike pray? He's muttering something. Oh, 'give me strength!' - I guess that's a kind of prayer, right? Whatever, as long as he doesn't send me away.  
  
"Right, you've got two minutes. And you're not coming in. Whatever you've got to say can be said on the doorstep. And your countdown's started so you'd better get on with it." Huh? Crap. My mind's gone kinda blank. All I can think of is 'tick, tick, tick' which is so not of the helpful.  
  
And he's looking at me, not a trace of warmth in his eyes. I got so used to the soft light there and it's gone. I drove it away.  
  
"One minute. If you're not going to say anything just nod and I'll get back to what I was doing before you so rudely interrupted."  
  
"I forgive you." Okaaayyyy, where did that come from?  
  
But it got a reaction. Have you ever seen a stunned vamp? How many times have I seen that expression tonight? And how quickly he goes from stunned to angry. Totally amazing.  
  
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been taken over by pod people? 'Cos you are not Buffy Summers. You cannot stand there and say that, d'you hear? You bloody can't. No. Don't you dare. I'm not having you crying on my doorstep. Stop it! Arrrrggghhhh!" Until he said it I didn't even realise the tears were falling. Put it down to not enough sleep and way too much stress. That, and being miserable as all get out. And why does he have to yell? Now I can't stop! Big meanie.  
  
"S...s...s...sorry. *sniff* I...I...I *sob* Sp...Sp...Spike!" Ack, it feels like my face is melting. And I hate having to use my sleeve to wipe my eyes. Not that it's helping 'cos I still can't stop and all I've got is a soggy sleeve. And probably a red nose and eyes. And if he didn't want me before, he's gonna take one look now at Buffy the Snot Monster and run screaming. I'm ugly!  
  
"Shhh, pet. You'll never be ugly. Just not possible. C'mon, sorry I yelled an' all. See, you can come in and I'll sit you down and we'll get this all sorted." How come he's all nice now! And why did he only understand the ugly bit? Which I totally didn't mean to say out loud. And he's letting me in. He's so sweet. And sometimes he's cute. And sometimes cuddly. And I'm such a...a mess! He's being so nice to me, all of a sudden.  
  
"Nothing sudden, sweet."  
  
What is it with me and the saying of things out loud? No, Summers, not thinking time, listening time.  
  
"Always wanted to be nice. Not what you wanted though, was it? But no point raking up old history. Not the time. Mind you, probably the right place. What's this all about then? Can't have you wandering the streets of Sunnyhell all sniffling and whatnot. Probably can't even see where you're going. Some bugger'll take a right big chunk out of you in this state. God, I'm such a wanker. A few tears and all my good intentions go straight out the window. Mind, you're a piece of work yourself. Turning up like this, all monosyllabic, then turning on the waterworks. Not playing fair, Summers. Bloke doesn't stand a chance. Right, you comfy? Wanna drink of something? All that leaking you're doing must be drying you out. I'll go see what I've got in this morgue of mine."  
  
How did I get from the door to the couch? It's a blank. But a good one 'cos Spike's taking care of me. I like that. Forgot how good it felt. Forgot he could do that. But where's he going?  
  
"Don't go!"  
  
"S'alright, luv. Was just going to fetch you a little something to wet your whistle. But if you don't want it, not a problem. I'll just sit here, alright?" He's sitting next to me and I want to snuggle up against him but I learnt my lesson earlier.  
  
We sit in silence - for all of ten seconds. Then that song starts up. Again!  
  
"Jeez, Spike! How many repeats is this thing on? It's gone through - what? - five plays since I got here. And why this song? I mean, it's okay. Or it was the first two times. But you know what? Not really worth repeated listening." I'm tempted to get up and turn the damn player off. But that would mean moving and the only place I want to move is closer to Spike.  
  
Then I worry that Spike's gonna move and turn off the music 'cos I complained. Should've kept my mouth shut. After a few moments his silence and stillness makes me stop worrying. Until I realise that silence and stillness are even more not-Spike than the music. I'm not sure how but I think I might've screwed up again. Nice to know I'm consistent.  
  
"As it's already been a night for telling tales of the deep an' dark corners of my psyche, I reckon I might as well continue." As he runs his hand through his hair I can't help thinking I wish his fingers were mine. I can almost feel the curls against my skin. Bad Buffy! Talk time, not lust time.  
  
"To be bloody honest, I hate this song. It's sodding awful. So you could say I'm doing a bit of self-mutilation on the old eardrums. Happens now and then."  
  
He takes a deep breath and for a moment I think he's gonna stand up and start pacing. But he just sighs and continues.  
  
"I've known three Slayers. Intimately. Two 'cos you don't get much more bloody intimate than death. And the other being you. No surprise there. And I've got a little tie to all of them. First one, still got a bit of her inside me, even after all this time. Second, well, I've already 'fessed up about the coat. And third, this god awful song. Course, the soul 's gonna be a handy little reminder of your charms from now on but I'm still getting used to the sodding thing. Thought I'd go with something a little more familiar. So there you go. If you don't like it, feel free to leave."  
  
Okay, colour me confused! Not that he knows I'm not quite there on this one 'cos he did the whole explaino rant looking away from me. I thought the song was familiar but the more I think about it the more sure I am that I've never played it or owned it or whatever. So what's the what?  
  
"Right. Okay. With you, kinda. A bit freaked but I did wonder if you had any more momentos. And really coulda done without the other Slayer. I mean, eeewww. Yep, all with the 'Spike's a killer' thing and it being totally not of the good. So I get it, really didn't need the details. But I gotta ask. Why this song? I don't even know it."  
  
"Didn't say you did, Slayer. Just said it was my tie to you. I could hear it anywhere in the world, just a couple of notes, and I'd see you. In my mind. Not how you are now. Not how you were when we were shagging against any convenient hard surface. But how you were the first time I laid eyes on you. Christ, I remember thinking you'd be the easiest one yet. Too bloody young, too bloody clueless and so caught up in being a teenager you wouldn't stand a chance. Didn't notice much more at the time. Later on, when I realised I was royally fucked because I'd fallen for your precious self, I wondered if that's when it started. But it wasn't. You were just prey, then. To be taken out and celebrated as another victory."  
  
He's still being not-Spike. It's starting to freak me out. Even more than what he's saying. He's too calm, too still. My Spike used to rant and pace and be a pain in the ass. This Spike...this Spike is like a ghost. God, I think I finally found the way to use words. 'Cos I'm thinking that sometime during the beatings and the sex and the denial, I slayed him and didn't notice. And now he's gonna haunt me. By not being there. Okay, so kinda making with the sense that isn't here but...doesn't mean I can't go into mourning. Wonder if Will's got a spell that can raise the dead when they're still walking? Dammit, Spike, stop sitting there like a freakin' stone. Be my Spike, the undead guy who couldn't stay still for two minutes straight.  
  
But at least he's breaking the silence.  
  
"My third Slayer in the bag. That's what I thought, watching you. Oh, I got hard. Had a fine old time with Dru that night. But it was the anticipation of the fight. The thought of your sweet, hot blood running down my throat. I was sporting wood for days just thinking about your death. It was supposed to be easy. Took a while for me to learn there's nothing easy about you. That night I watched you. Saw you dancing with the dynamic duo. Didn't think you'd be around long enough for me to get anything decent by way of a reminder. Knew there'd be no knickknacks or garments I'd want. You weren't really my style, so to speak. Was gonna drink you but blood was my thing from the first Slayer. Needed something different for you. That's when I decided it had to be something from that first moment, something that let me feel all that anticipation again and again. Something that would in no way be connected to anything else."  
  
And now he moves. Now I can see that energy under the surface that used to let me pretend I was making out with someone alive. It's in every muscle. I can see the tension in his back as he walks away. Still looking calm. Still not looking at me. Just doesn't want to be near me, I guess.  
  
"So after you dusted that ponce and we had our little introduction and I promised you death, I went and found the band that'd been playing. Asked for a demo tape. Talked up how much I liked their style. Practised a bit of the old charm. Then had them for dinner. It was meant to be something to relish, now it's the soundtrack to my being eternally fucked over. Started listening to it that summer you were gone, trying to recall how vibrant you'd been. How you glowed, even before I knew your name. When you came back I hid it away again but only until I realised you weren't really there, so I still needed to hear it to picture you happy. Now. God, now it's part of my atonement. The proof I wanted you dead, that I was evil. Huh. Wouldn't think I needed a reminder, would you? But I do need it. Got to be clear that I came to this pissant town to hurt you. And that's all I ever managed to do."  
  
No, it wasn't you! You tried to help. I was the one going round hitting and scratching. I wanted to hurt me but I hurt you even more. How do I get you to see that? You're supposed to see through me, so how come you still think you're to blame?  
  
"D'you mind?"  
  
Huh? Mind what? That I've totally fucked up or that you're gonna let it be your fault?  
  
Then I realise he's holding his lighter up, a cigarette in his mouth. My Spike never asked if I minded him smoking. Maybe I should ask if I can have one too. If I'm gonna feel guilty I might as well have a bad habit to feel guilty about. Not like anything else is an issue. Yeah, and I'm gonna start up the Drusilla fan club.  
  
"You feeling a bit calmer, pet? 'Cos after my little revelation, I'm feeling a tad knackered. Been a long night and I'd like to get some sleep. So, any chance of you buggering off in the near future?" I guess he took my silence as an okay 'cos he's taking drags on his cigarette. His cheekbones stand out as he inhales. He's facing me, looking straight at me for the first time since he started his history lesson. But I can't read his face. And not just 'cos of the smoke in the way. It used to be so easy. Maybe because he never felt the need to hide. He seems real good at hiding now.  
  
Dammit, when I didn't want to know that you could think and feel as much as, if not more than, everyone...human, I couldn't escape it. Now, when I want...need to know what you're thinking, you won't let me. Spike, what am I gonna do?  
  
"Buffy, stop zoning out on me. You're alright. No damage done. So will you please just leave?"  
  
Spike seems to have a thing for grabbing my arm tonight. 'Cos he's just got hold of me again and started pulling me up off the couch. Looks like I'm leaving.  
  
"You're wrong. You are so wrong. I'm not alright. I can't leave. Not yet. There's so much damage, Spike, and it's all my fault. Forgive me?"  
  
"I told you before not to talk about forgiveness, Slayer."  
  
"But I have to. I need you to forgive me. Whatever you think. Can't you do that? Give me that?" I can't read his face. Gotta hope he can read mine.  
  
"Not playing fair, girl. I'd give you anything you bloody asked for, you know that. As long as it wouldn't cause you more pain. There's nothing to forgive, alright? If you're so sodding sure that you need my forgiveness, then you've got it. Just don't expect me to understand what it's supposed to be for. Happy now?"  
  
God, no. But praying I'll get there.  
  
"Is that it? You done now? You did what Red wanted - and her invitation's still revoked before you ask - so it's time to toddle off and leave this vamp to punishing his eardrums."  
  
His grip on my arm tightens and he's pulling me out of the room. Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't think of anything to say. I've got my 'forgiveness' but guess it didn't include an extension on my deadline. Jeez, I've had teachers who were more flexible. I know I've gotta stall, give myself a couple of moments to get my head together. So I can do what I came here for.  
  
"Why did you love me?"  
  
Well, we've stopped moving so I guess it worked. But really don't want to see his face. 'Cos now he's holding my arm so tight I think he's cut off the circulation. My fingers are all tingly. And it's not the good - or bad - tingle I usually associate with Spike. This is gonna be painful, in oh so many ways.  
  
"You made me feel alive, y'know that? Reminded me what living is. It's waiting. Always waiting for something. Hoping that if you're patient, if you give it time, then you'll get what you want. Spent a lot of time waiting for you. It's the opposite of being a vampire. Being dead. Because then...then you never wait for anything. You want it, you take it. Nothing is out of your reach 'cos there's nothing you want that you can't have. Don't want love, not in the same way. Don't want fucking kindness, that's for sure. Just want to destroy and devour. You made me want something more and you made me wait for it."  
  
Want. Take. Have.  
  
Huh. Now why does that sound familiar? Oh Spike, I so know what you're saying. And I remember being dead. Really dead. Everything I wanted was there. No waiting. It was...well, heaven. And when I came back and I was still dead, I just took. I took you and everything you offered. No waiting, no love, no kindness. Yep, guess you were right when you said we were the same. Funny that you found out how to live before I did. That you've got a soul to show for it. And what do I have? Not what I want, that's for sure.  
  
"So feeling alive was good?" It must've been, right? 'Cos you wouldn't fall in love with someone if they made you feel something bad.  
  
Okay, mental slap to self. Half of falling in love is the bad things you feel. Just look at me. Guilt. Grief. Loss. Impatience. Jealousy. And that was just with Angel. Add to that remorse, betrayal, fear, pain and doubt. Then you're getting part of the Spike mix. Funny, still seems worth it.  
  
"God, do you ever shut up! Sorry, stupid of me. Course you do. Whenever I want you to talk I get the silent treatment. Funny how you find your tongue when I just want you to drop it. Bloody hilarious. Not gonna answer anymore questions, Slayer. I'm done holding my chest open for you. Get out."  
  
Yep, there's the hurt, right on cue. He's pushed me away, toward the door. Oh, not hard, strangely gentle. But it's still a rejection.  
  
But I'm not gonna go. Damn him for being right about me, all those times he called me a coward. Just gotta get over myself. Give him what he used to need. And hope he still wants.  
  
"I know how that feels."  
  
"What, still here? And not that it matters any more...but you know how what feels?" His back is to me again. His shoulders are shaking. Oh god, I made him cry! Can't think about that. Can't let it make me doubt, make me stop.  
  
"When someone makes you feel alive. I pretty much hated it. But I needed it. And I know what it can do to you."  
  
I risk moving toward him. Slowly Summers. Let him run if he wants to. Give him the choice.  
  
"Don't want to hear about you and the poof right now. Or ever, truth be told."  
  
He hasn't moved. If I reach out I can touch him. But not yet. Nearly time. Give it a few moments more. Once this is done...  
  
"I'm not talking about Angel. He never raised me from the dead. He couldn't. Did you know that? When I died, the first time, he and Xander found me. And it was Xander who brought me back. That time. When it was still kinda easy. Neither of them were there when it was really hard, though."  
  
He's stopped shaking. Now he's totally still. And not saying a word. Have you guessed yet, Spike? Do you know what's coming? Do you want it?  
  
"Only one man was there when...when I was walking but still dead. There was only one person who loved me enough to make me live. Whether I wanted to or not. And I tried to hate him for that. Make him hurt because of it. I know I hurt you. But I couldn't hate you. I don't hate you, Spike."  
  
Don't run, love. If I touch you now. Stay. Please.  
  
"You made me feel alive, Spike. And you know what happens when you make someone feel that? You know what else it makes them feel, don't you?"  
  
Why did I think this would be so hard? Why did I put off saying this? It's so easy. Not just 'cos it's true. I mean, c'mon, me? Truth? Sometimes kinda unmixy. No. It's 'cos I know I'm giving him something he wants. Finally, there's no doubts 'cos he's leaning into the touch of my hand. He's not running. Not stiff and cold. Whoever said vampires were cold to the touch didn't know Spike. Maybe it's 'cos Spike learnt how to be more. He became a man. A real boy.  
  
"Do you know, Spike? Or do you want me to tell you?"  
  
He lets out a huge sigh. He's breathing, I can feel it through my fingers. Still turned away from me but it's not a problem anymore.  
  
"Tell me, Buffy." So quiet. So soft.  
  
"It makes you feel love. You made me feel love."  
  
His head has dropped forward. His breathing's faster, kinda rasping.  
  
"God, you truly are an evil bint, Slayer. Either say it or leave me alone. Don't you know it's not nice to torture the already damned? Even if they deserve it."  
  
I'm so light headed, giddy. I start to giggle and I've got this urge to tease him. 'Cos I know it's gonna be okay. And the relief has gone right to my head. Is this what magic felt like to Willow? Maybe now I get the attraction. But Spike's right. I can tease later.  
  
"I love you." My fingers start to stroke the side of his neck. 'Cos he's mine now. "Wow, that was easier to say than I thought. Spike, I am in -"  
  
It's kinda hard to speak when a vampire's got you pressed against a wall, mouth covering your face in wet kisses. My aunt used to have a cat that would lick your face if it liked you. This feels kinda the same.  
  
Okay, so I'm lying. I never, ever felt this from being licked by Tiger.  
  
And I'm laughing. Against his lips and his tongue. And he's laughing between whispers. He's promising and cursing and - praying? - and kissing me. Over and over. And begging.  
  
"Yes, Spike, I mean it. I promise. I love you"  
  
And I am so ready to take this further. But when I stop stroking his back and try and get touchy feely - hey, it's a nice ass, who wouldn't wanna grab it? - he backs away. Meanie. But he's smiling so I'm still happy. I think there's gonna be plenty of time to get grabby.  
  
"Uh uh sweetness. Not that I don't appreciate the gesture. Loving it, point of fact. But this time we're gonna do everything right."  
  
"So you're gonna take me on a date?"  
  
I've gotta laugh again at the expressions on his face. Shock, horror, consideration, joy, all in three seconds flat. That's my Spike.  
  
"Think we're past dates, don't you pet? Not saying we're going to stay in all the time. And you and me are going to be regulars at the Bronze. And anywhere else that'll have us on our nights off. But that's not what I was meaning. We - you and me - we're going to do right by each other. Not going to rush anything. Not gonna start shagging like desperate rabbits. We're going to go slow, be kind, be loving. Like I wanted it before. You alright with that?"  
  
He still looks kinda scared behind the smile. Oh Spike, you were right when you said I did a number on you. And you're right now.  
  
"That sounds good. Sounds nearly perfect." I can't stop touching him. Stroking his face and his arm. Making sure he's still there. Sight isn't enough to reassure me. Only feeling him does that.  
  
"Nearly perfect?"  
  
"Don't want to stop...feeling you. You might...you might disappear. Again."  
  
Have you got any idea how amazing it feels when your favourite vamp holds you so close your feet leave the ground?  
  
"Don't have to, baby. Didn't say I was letting you out of my sight. Didn't say I didn't want to touch you. You're not going anywhere." And he picks me up. Am I being swept off my feet or what?  
  
When we get to the top of the stairs he kicks open a door and carries me to a bed. When he puts me down I start to take off my top but he stops me.  
  
"Best not, luv. I want to do the right thing but there's only so much temptation a man can take."  
  
Then he shoves me. Oh yeh, not coaxing, just pushing. Seems like he's feeling playful too. Do vampires have adrenaline? When he's got me where he wants me, lying down on the far side of the bed, he lies down next to me.  
  
He's on his side looking at me, one hand stroking my face. He's forgotten something. C'mon Spike, we're nearly there. He's back to being able to read me. After a moment, he smiles.  
  
"I love you too, pet. Same as ever. That what you wanted? Right. Now that's all sorted, it's time you and me got some shut-eye. Don't know about you, luv, but I'm bloody knackered."  
  
Yeh, Spike. That's what I wanted. This is what I needed. And I'm so with you on the tired thing. It's okay to let go now. We can rest. It's good. It's all good.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------  
  
Like I said at the top of the chapter - that's all, folks. I've really enjoyed writing this - when RL hasn't been kicking my arse - and many, many apologies for the horrendous delay on getting this chapter out. It really didn't want to happen for a while there.  
  
Lyrics were from Stupid Thing by Nickel and for those of you who don't know the song was used in the BtVS episode School Hard for the scene where Spike first sees Buffy. Gotta love a song with history LOL.  
  
Many thanks to Trisha for her on-going support. And a special thanks to the guys at CW, especially Mia and the fiction and Brit chat crew.  
  
I've had enough of the angst for now so the next one's (supposed to be) funny. It's called Bunny Be Mine and the first chapter will be posted in a couple of days. How's that for blatant self-promotion? Whatever. Thanks for reading and thanks for taking the time to leave reviews over the last few months. Cheers! 


End file.
